


since the day i saw you (i've been waiting for you)

by fluorescent_adolescent13



Category: The Prom - Sklar/Beguelin/Martin
Genre: F/F, Future Fic, Post-Canon, a little angst thrown in the middle, but they're so soft, greenlan baby because they deserve a happy ending, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:22:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 28,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24051283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluorescent_adolescent13/pseuds/fluorescent_adolescent13
Summary: “We’re having a baby,” Alyssa whispered.Emma’s eyes widened instantly. Her mouth went dry. “We’re...?”Alyssa nodded, a small smile spreading across her face. “We are.”-a future greenlan baby fic/snippets from their journey!
Relationships: Alyssa Greene/Emma Nolan
Comments: 20
Kudos: 145





	1. 13 weeks & 7 weeks

Alyssa smirked as she caught Emma’s eyes on her for the hundredth time that night. “Will you stop staring at me?”

“I can’t help it,” Emma grinned, the smile enough to make butterflies flare in the brunette’s stomach. She snaked her arm around Alyssa’s waist and pulled her a little closer. “You’re glowing.”

“No I’m not,” Alyssa rolled her eyes and looked back ahead. 

“Radiant.”

“Emma...” the brunette laughed as she felt a hand squeeze her side gently.

“Beautiful.”

Alyssa turned her head, catching the blonde’s unfaltering look of adoration. “You're lucky I love you.”

Emma edged closer. “Love you t-”

“How are you lovebirds doing for drinks,” Angie interrupted, slinking into the conversation just before their lips could meet. “It’s not long until midnight. No empty glasses allowed.”

“I’m good, Ang,” Alyssa smiled, glancing down at her hand. “Thank you though.” 

She’d been nursing the same drink for almost an hour. The first time they’d gone to the bar, Emma had managed to sneak her a soft drink without anyone they knew noticing - not that they were too worried about the tipsy folk around them taking much notice. But then Trent had bought a round for the group, and then Angie had insisted on buying one too. Those just happened to be shots. Alyssa couldn’t help but smile at the tipsy blonde beside her. Emma had been a real trouper - taking her drinks when nobody was looking. They’d tried pulling some crap about Alyssa being on medication that meant she couldn't drink but it fell on deaf ears. Alyssa wasn’t complaining too much though, Emma when she was a little drunk always put a smile on her face.

“Emma?”

“Um,” Emma started, eyes darting down to the bottle in her hand. She knew her limits. And somehow tonight she had found herself drinking for two. Besides, she wanted to keep a clear head for what was happening next. “I’m good too.”

“You two are no fun,” Angie pouted. “Did nobody tell you that your twenties are for partying?”

Emma let out a chuckle as the older woman spun on her heels and turned away from them, squeezing back through the rest of the partygoers.

“Do you still want to do this?” Alyssa asked, her hand snaking down Emma’s arm until their fingers laced together.

“Tell them tonight?” Emma asked. “Definitely. I think it’s the right time.”

“No,” Alyssa feigned a frown. “I mean have a kid. I think I want to do more of the partying that she was talking about.”

“Very funny,” Emma smirked, leaning down to steal a kiss. “I’ll think about it.”

* * *

_ Emma let out a long breath as she pushed the door closed behind her, feeling it click sharply into place as she leaned back against it. It had been a long day.  _

_ “Hey, babe?” Alyssa called out from the other room. “Is that you?” _

Who else would it be?  _ Emma stopped herself from calling that back to the brunette. She was tired and she could feel a headache brewing behind her eyes but there was no reason to take it out on Alyssa. Besides, they had made real progress today at the studio. Eventually. If that was the only good thing to come out of the day then she would be happy enough with that. “Yeah, it’s me.” _

_ She heard the gentle padding of Alyssa’s bare feet against the wooden floor, growing closer to her as she shrugged her jacket off and reached up to hang it away. A pair of hands smoothed over her shoulders from behind as she kicked her shoes off, leaving them beside Alyssa’s. Emma let herself relax into the brunette’s touch, a soft sigh escaping past her lips. _

_ “You okay?” _

_ Emma nodded, twisting around until they were face to face. Alyssa’s arms wrapped around her neck. She searched the blonde’s eyes for more information but they had nothing to give her. Emma gave her a small smile back, leaning down to give her a light kiss. “Just a long day.” _

_ One of Alyssa’s hands slid up until it found the soft waves of hair at the nape of Emma’s neck, scratching comfortingly. “Have you eaten? I made some dinner earlier-” _

_ Emma shook her head. “I’m not feeling so good.” _

_"Have you eaten much today?"_

_"I'll have something later."_

_ Alyssa nodded, trying not to give away her disappointment. She had it all planned out. It was going to be perfect.  _ Was _ , being the operative word, Alyssa thought as she looked up at Emma’s tired eyes. “I'll heat it back up for you when you're feeling up to it, baby _ _.” _

_ “Sounds good,” Emma replied, her fatigue slowly taking over. “Come lie down with me for a little bit.” _

**-**

“The ball is about to drop,” Angie whined, annoyed that Barry had dragged her away from her date. He knew that she wouldn’t mind much when all was revealed. “This better be good.”

“We don’t have to do this now,” Alyssa reasoned, cold feet starting to nip at her as she looked at the small group that had formed around them. The small, impatient group. She looked at Emma. “We could just wait.”

Dee Dee eyed the pair inquisitively. Though she was just as impatient as Angie, her curiosity was winning the battle. “Do what now?”

“We should,” Emma smiled, giving the brunette a nod. She squeezed Alyssa’s hand reassuringly, though she wasn’t quite sure who needed it more, and took a deep breath.

_ 10... _

“Is something wrong?”

“You’re not splitting up are you?” Dee Dee frowned. “You’re too young for divorce.”

_ 9... _

“Look at them, they haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other all-”

_ 8... _

“Well...”

_7..._

“We wanted to wait until we could get you all together for this,” Alyssa started.

_ 6... _

“Spit it out already,” Trent groaned.

_ 5... _

_ 4... _

“They’re already married so we know it’s not that.”

_ 3.. _

“Give them a chance, will you,” Barry interjected, shooting Emma a knowing look. The couple had already told him the news as part of his Christmas present. Emma knew he was one of the first people she wanted to tell. It had taken everything for him to keep the secret quiet. 

_ 2... _

“We’re...” Alyssa trailed off, a smile taking over her lips in lieu of patiently awaited words.

_ 1... _

Emma’s eyes flickered from the brunette’s back to the group again, knowing she had to take over quickly. “We’re having a baby.”

“Happy New Year!” a wave of voices shouted from around them, but they were drowned out quickly by the small group in the centre of the room.

“You’re having a baby!” Dee Dee shrieked, throwing her hands to the air as a wide grin took over her face. 

Trent beamed. “Y’know, I've always thought Uncle Trent has a nice ring to it.”

Alyssa let out a laugh, turning to Emma and wrapping her arms tightly around her neck. It didn’t matter how many times they said it out loud, she still couldn’t believe that she was lucky enough for it to happen. The thought alone made Alyssa’s heart flutter. Her voice dropped down so that only Emma could hear her. “We’re having a baby, Em.”

Angie’s voice cut over the brunette’s and they both laughed, knowing exactly who she was talking to. “You knew this whole time? You  _ traitor _ !”

“You’re going to make the most amazing mom, Alyssa,” Emma smiled, reaching up to Alyssa’s cheeks to pull her in for a kiss. “Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year, my love.”

* * *

_ "You wanna talk about it,” Alyssa asked. _

_ Emma shook her head lightly, unwilling to look up from her place nuzzled closely into the brunette’s side. “Maybe in a little bit.” _

_ Alyssa thought for a moment. She was going to have to rethink her plans for the night. It wasn’t like she’d pulled out the works but dinner was getting cold on the table and there was a gift bag waiting for the blonde in the kitchen, tucked away in the cupboard for the right moment. Alyssa didn’t want Emma to come across it by accident. She also knew that there was no getting away from their snuggling on the couch anytime soon - not that she wanted to.  _

Bite the bullet _ , Alyssa thought, trying to psych herself up. She wriggled down until their faces were level, brushing her nose lightly against Emma’s, “Hey, Em-” _

_ “Yeah?” she grumbled, pulling Alyssa a little closer and trying to get comfy again. _

_ Alyssa leaned forward slightly to place a gentle kiss on Emma’s lips, leaning back to whisper. “I know something that might make you feel better.” _

_ Emma gave her another peck, refusing to open her eyes or move back any further.. She mumbled against her lips. “Not tonight baby, I’m too tired.” _

_ Alyssa let out a soft chuckle. “That’s not what I meant.” _

_ “What did you mean?” Emma replied. She huffed after a few seconds of no reply, one eye peeking open as her curiosity got the better of her. She pushed herself up onto one elbow, trying to ignore the tiredness that was pulling at her senses. “What is it?” _

_ Alyssa hesitated. All it took was one moment of looking into the hazel eyes above her for her bravery to falter. Maybe it would be better if she waited. This was going to be a memory she wanted to remember for years to come, the least she could do was make it special for Emma too. Alyssa bit her lip.  _

_ Anything with Emma was special. _

_ She reached for the hand that Emma had draped lazily across her torso earlier, taking it in her own and leading it down towards her stomach. Emma’s eyebrows furrowed deeply, completely confused by her wife’s actions. She looked back to Alyssa’s eyes, dead set on her own, but they gave no hint of an answer. So Emma let her hand be led.  _

_ First, under the fabric of her shirt. Then to her belly button. Alyssa laid her hand flat on top of the blonde’s, pushing it gently down until her palm was resting against smooth skin. _

_ “We’re having a baby,” Alyssa whispered.  _

_ Emma’s eyes widened instantly. Her mouth went dry. “We’re...?” _

_ Alyssa nodded, a small smile spreading across her face. “We are.” _

_ “Oh my god!” Emma exclaimed, pushing herself upright - though her hand stayed glued to Alyssa’s belly, refusing to move even an inch. She couldn’t pick out one coherent thought from the hundred that were spinning through her brain faster than the speed of light, so she ducked her head down and caught Alyssa in kiss. Emma leaned back, her voice dropping down to a whisper. “We’re really having a baby.” _

_ Alyssa laughed, trying desperately to commit the look on Emma’s face to memory. “It’s still early. My period was a couple of days late and that never happens, so I thought...I don’t know, maybe it took? And my boobs felt kind of sore, so everything started to add up, but I knew I was jumping the gun a little. This was only our first try so I didn’t want to get my hopes up.” _

_ “Okay,” Emma nodded along with the brunette’s ramble. _

_ “So I took a test.” _

_ “And you’re sure?” Emma asked, trying and failing to suppress the grin that had spread wide.  _

_ “Well, I took another test after that, and then another one after that,” Alyssa nodded. “I might have taken six actually. We should buy more just in case.” _

_ Emma’s gaze softened into nothing short of amazement, her eyes drifted down to Alyssa’s stomach. She wriggled further down until she was level with it, pushing the fabric of her shirt up further until she was met with only soft caramel skin. “We don’t need another test. This is the one. This is our baby.” _

_ “Emma...” Alyssa started, a lump growing in her throat. _

_ “Hi, baby,” Emma murmured, pressing a shower of light kisses against the brunette’s belly until Alyssa giggled from the sensation. She pressed her cheek down against it, her eyes fluttering closed again as her hands tucked underneath Alyssa to hug her closer.  _

_ Alyssa’s fingers carded through the blonde’s hair instinctively, feeling her slowly melt into her touch. She couldn't blame Emma for drifting off. She smiled as she looked down to the blonde, feeling a few tears spring to her eyes. The moment meant more to her than she could ever say. Alyssa wondered why she hadn’t thought of telling Emma like this in the first place.  _

  
  
  



	2. 14 weeks & 8 weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Please leave a comment and let me know what you think! I'm trying to get better at writing so any feedback is really appreciated! :)
> 
> I'm kind of going for a before and after type thing, which will be a LOT clearer in later chapters, but I'm using 12 weeks as the marker - so italics is before, normal is after.

Alyssa lips curled into a smile as she walked into the kitchen, hearing Emma humming along with the radio as she cleaned up after them both. She stayed quiet for a few moments - leaning against the door frame and listening, the blonde blissfully unaware of her presence. Alyssa could have listened to it all night. Eventually though, she walked towards the sink. She bumped her hip against Emma’s, grabbing a towel from the counter and a dish from the rack to help her wife.

“Y’know,” Emma said, dipping her hands back into the soapy water in front of her. “Apparently, Peanut is the size of a pear now.”

“ _ Peanut _ ,” Alyssa repeated. It made her giggle every single time Emma said it. She loved it though. “You’re obsessed with those books.”

Emma frowned and handed her another plate to dry. “Am not.”

“Are too,” she replied. The smile slipped off her face quickly as she reached her free hand up to rub at her chest, opening the cupboard above her with the other. “ _ Peanut  _ likes to see me suffer apparently. I think I need an antacid.”

“Some heartburn relief medicine can interfere with your body absorbing iron,” Emma commented.

“Uhuh?”

The blonde glanced up, catching the knowing look that was thrown her way. “Okay, maybe I have been reading some more recently - but we’re supposed to!”

Alyssa let out a laugh. “Yeah, sure. Anything in there about sweet talking a fetus? I wouldn’t mind them taking it a little easy on me.”

“The perils of eating for two.”

Emma reached her hand out for Alyssa’s towel, drying her hands before she headed back to the dining room table to tidy away the last remnants of dinner. She plopped their glasses into the sink and made her way to the fridge to store leftovers - pausing only when something on the door caught her eye. The corners of her lips twitched upwards as she looked at the piece of paper - hung up carefully with a magnet. It was from their last scan.

Alyssa caught her expression as she glanced over. She knew exactly what she was looking at. 

“By the next scan we’ll be able to see their arms and legs properly,” Alyssa sighed, taking a few steps over to the blonde and wrapping an arm around her waist. Emma lifted her arm over the brunette and pulled her closer.

Emma feigned a serious look. “I wonder if they’ll have my nose.”

Alyssa snorted. “God, I hope so. They’re shit out of luck if they get mines.”

Emma hummed, tracing a finger over the scan. “Hmm, I take it back. I hope everything is you.”

They paused for a moment, Alyssa’s head tilting to lean on Emma’s shoulder as they looked. Eventually though, she let out a sigh and her gaze drifted away. 

“I think I’m gonna go for a bath.”

“Okay,” Emma smiled, giving her arm a gentle squeeze before pulling away. “You want some company?”

Alyssa shook her head but leaned up to give Emma a quick kiss. “Not tonight, honey.”

“Okay.”

“I’m just feeling kind of gross,” Alyssa tried to justify herself, suddenly worried that Emma would be put out - though she didn’t look it - and gave her another quick peck. 

Emma’s hand drifted to Alyssa’s cheek, brushing her thumb lightly against it, and she smiled. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Alyssa leaned into her touch. “I will.”

* * *

_ “Sorry, I completely forgot to call you back. I’ve been slammed with paperwork all morning,” Alyssa sighed. “And then I had to do a home visit, and I left my cell in the office and only had my work phone with me...” _

_ “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it. I was hoping they’d cut you a little slack after you told them you were pregnant though,” Emma joked. _

_ “You know what it’s like,” she replied, her tone unconvincing. “Never a quiet moment.” _

_ “You have told them that you’re pregnant, right?” _

_ “Um,” Alyssa started. Emma could practically hear the cogs in her brain turning over the phone, trying to think of the best way to justify herself. “Technically, not yet. There hasn’t really been a good time.” _

_ Emma sighed. She didn’t want to sound frustrated. She knew that things were go-go-go for the brunette at the best of times - she just wished that she would take it easy. Now though, with the change in circumstances, Emma was going to make sure that she did. “There’s never going to be a right time, ‘Lys.” _

_ “Wait, I’m almost here,” Alyssa said, hanging up the phone without acknowledging her wife’s last statement. She slipped her phone back into her pocket just as she walked into the doctor’s office, her eyes searching for Emma immediately - eventually finding her tucked away in the corner of the room when the blonde gave her a small wave. _

_ “Hey,” Emma said as Alyssa drew closer, giving her a tight smile _

_ “Hey,” she replied. She leaned down to press a quick kiss to Emma’s cheek as she shrugged off her jacket. “Did you sign me in?” _

_ “Yeah,” Emma nodded. “About what I was saying befo-” _

_ Alyssa cut her off. “They didn’t call me yet, did they?” _

_ “No, you’re all good.” _

_ “Good,” Alyssa nodded, unravelling her scarf and relaxing back into her seat. “Gosh, it’s freezing today.” _

_ “Have you had lunch yet?” _

_ Alyssa shook her head. “I had a granola bar on the way here. I thought we could grab something after.” _

_ “You barely ate breakfast.” _

_ “You know that I can’t keep anything down in the morning,” the brunette insisted.  _

_ Emma frowned. “Did you at least have a snack or something when you got to the office.” _

_ “I had a coffee,” Alyssa started but stopped herself as Emma’s expression changed. “What? It was decaf, Emma. Do you think I’m an idiot?” _

_ Emma looked at her incredulously. “I’m not even going to get into that right now.” _

_ “What’s that supposed to mean?” _

_ “Alyssa Nolan?” a voice called out at the far end of the room, cutting them off sharply. _

_ Their heads snapped round in unison, both plastering on a tight smile as they rose to their feet and followed the nurse back through the door she’d come. Alyssa let out a small sigh of relief as she felt Emma’s fingers lace their way through hers after a few steps. Emma squeezed her hand lightly. Alyssa squeezed back. They were both too nervous to care about the brewing argument that had just started. It wasn’t worth it. _

_ “Let’s go meet our baby.” _

* * *

Emma’s eyes followed Alyssa as she walked from the bathroom to the bedroom. The brunette grabbed a hair tie from her wrist and bundled her curls up, finding her way to their mirror as she did so. Emma watched for a few seconds longer before spitting out the last of her toothpaste and following behind the brunette. 

Alyssa pulled her t-shirt up slightly, smoothing her hand over her bare stomach and huffing. Emma couldn’t help but smile at the glimpse of her belly. At four months along, her body had just started to catch up with what was happening, her bump starting to grow a little more prominent with every day that passed them. The sight alone made Emma’s stomach flutter every single time. She couldn’t explain it. 

Alyssa, on the other hand, was struggling to see the appeal.

“I feel huge,” she sighed.

Emma shook her head, the smile refusing to budge from her lips, and pulled off her wedding band - setting it on the table by her side of the bed. “You look beautiful.”

“I don’t  _ feel  _ beautiful.”

She twisted from side to side, hoping that she would find an angle that would make her feel better, but she was never content. Alyssa knew logically that she looked fine. She didn’t look as far along as she was. At least, from all the pictures in the books they’d been reading and all of the googling she’d done. She knew it wouldn’t stay that long though. And she couldn’t help but think about it. Years and years of picking herself apart growing up had instilled a sense of doubt in Alyssa that she’d never quite managed to shake, even in adulthood.

“It’s just going to take a while for you to get used to,” Emma reasoned. She knew exactly where Alyssa’s head was at. She could read the brunette like a book. “It’s completely healthy.”

“I know,” Alyssa replied quietly. She let go over her shirt and rubbed at her eyes. The nagging voice in the back of her head persisted though. “It’s just...my stomach is going to blow up like a balloon. Then my ankles are going to swell up. And then my face is going to get fat too.”

“Alyssa,” Emma said, gently wrapping her arms around the brunette from behind. The next word was kind but firm. “Stop.”

“I can’t help it,” she implored. Her eyes drifted up from her torso, slowly finding their way to Emma’s. The blonde’s head was perched perfectly on her shoulder, the same look in her eyes that Alyssa had seen a thousand times before. The one, unfaltering look of love that somehow always managed to quell the storms that threatened to rage in her head. Alyssa’s arms crossed across herself, her hands finding their way to Emma’s. “Lets go to bed, baby.”

Emma nodded, turning to place a light kiss on the underside of Alyssa’s jaw. The brunette gave her a small smile and wriggled out of her embrace, making her way over to her side of the bed. Emma followed suit and pulled the covers back, slipping underneath first and opening her arms up for Alyssa as soon as she lay down.

“C’mere.” Alyssa lay down, her head finding purchase on Emma’s chest as she inhaled deeply. Emma could tell that she wasn’t ready to sleep. The cogs in her brain were still twisting round and round. “I can hear you thinking.”

Alyssa replied to the joke quietly. “Sorry.”

“You okay?” Emma said. Alyssa shook her head. “You wanna talk about it?”

Alyssa paused. 

“It’s stupid.”

“I bet it’s not.”

Alyssa paused again.

“I’m not worried about the way I’m going to look because of me.”

Emma’s eyebrows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I’m so incredibly happy that we’re having this baby, Em,” Alyssa implored. “More than I could ever tell you.”

“I know.”

“And my body changing is something that’s part of the package. I can just about cope with that,” Alyssa sighed. “I think...I don’t know, I’m scared that something will change between us.”

Emma’s hand drifted up and down the brunette’s back, attempting to trace comforting lines along her spine as she tried to make sense of what she was telling her. “I don’t- I’m not following.”

“I’m scared that I’m going to get bigger and feel more gross and you won’t like-...that you won’t want...” Alyssa admitted, searching for the best words. “Me.”

Emma rolled them over until she could look Alyssa in the eye. “Alyssa, I-” She didn’t know what to say. Her mouth opened and closed again like a fish out of water. She knew that her wife was wrong. There was nothing on this earth that could ever make Emma not want her. There was a part of her that broke simply at the thought that Alyssa had thought otherwise. That she’d had that doubt. “Nothing could ever make me not want you. I promise. You’re... you’re  _ you. _ ”

Alyssa shrugged. “I don’t know. I told you it was stupid.”

“No,” Emma shook her head firmly. “Listen to me. You are the most wonderful woman that I’ve ever met. You should know by now that there is nothing that I don’t love about you.”

“One of the books said that I could gain up to forty pounds and I just- the number just keeps going round and round in my head and I-” she rambled.

Emma tilted her head to the side, searching Alyssa’s eyes for some kind of understanding. “Then gain fifty, just for good measure. It doesn’t matter to me at all.”

“You promise?”

“I promise,” Emma nodded. “I love every single thing about you and that’s never going to change.”

Alyssa replied quietly. “I love every single thing about you too.”

Emma settled back down onto the mattress again until they were lying face to face. Her hand draped over Alyssa’s waist, strumming her thumb against her skin like a familiar chord. “You could grow horns, Alyssa, and I would love those too.”

Alyssa let out a laugh. “That’s good to know.”

She leaned forward an inch or so, capturing Emma’s lips in a soft kiss. Emma’s fingers spread out against Alyssa’s back, pulling her a little closer until their bodies were flush. Alyssa tugged gently on Emma’s bottom lip, her hand reaching up to cup Emma’s cheek. She pulled back after a moment, brushing their noses together, and sighed contentedly.

“Love you.”

Alyssa leaned forward and stole another kiss. “Love you too.”

Emma watched as Alyssa’s eyes fluttered closed, waiting until her breathing evened out before she let herself fall asleep too. She knew that this wouldn’t be the last conversation they had about it. But, she was happy for now that she could give her wife some sort of reassurance. Even if it meant she had to say it over and over again for the next five months. 

* * *

_ “I’ll give you a couple of minutes to clean yourself up.” _

_ Alyssa gave the doctor a tight smile as she left the room, grabbing a handful of paper towels to wipe at her stomach. _

_ “I really hate this gel,” she murmured, glancing up only to see Emma still staring down at her hands. “Earth to Emma?” _

_ “Mhmm?” Emma said. She looked up from the sonogram, the same dazed expression on her face that had appeared when the ultrasound machine had first lit up. A lopsided smile fell onto her lips as she motioned to the image again. “It’s just so...I know that they’re only a blob right now really, but they’re right there. Like a tiny little peanut.” _

_ Alyssa smiled. “Our tiny little peanut.” _

_ “Yeah,” Emma agreed, the amazed look refusing to budge even for a second. _

_ Alyssa pulled her shirt back down. “I’m, uh, I’m sorry about earlier. I’ll tell everyone at work this week.” _

_ Emma shrugged. “I’m just worried about you. You can’t work yourself into the ground anymore. Especially not now. And today? You can’t just skip lunch like that Alyssa. A granola bar really doesn’t cut it.” _

_ “We both work hard,” Alyssa mumbled, her gaze falling into her lap.  _

_ “We do,” Emma nodded. “The difference is that you’re carrying my baby in there and I don’t want anything happening to my baby.” _

_ Alyssa’s ears pricked up, latching onto one particular part of her sentence. “Your baby, huh?” _

_ Emma laughed. She took a step towards Alyssa, reaching for her hand. “We heard their heartbeat today. We saw them, ‘Lys. It’s just so...they’re already so beautiful and we haven’t even met them yet.” _

_ “They are,” Alyssa bit her lip, feeling a lump grow in her throat. The endearing look in the blonde’s eyes was enough to make her swoon at the best of times, but the way that she held the sonogram so carefully was enough to send her over the edge. It was like nothing else seemed to matter when she was holding the rest of their lives in the palm of their hand.  _

_ Emma sighed, giving the brunette’s hand a squeeze. “So I swear to God, Alyssa Nolan. You’re living for two so you better start acting like it.” She helped her off of the bed. “Or so help me I’ll phone your mother.” _

_ “You wouldn’t dare.” _

_ “Try me.” _


	3. 18 weeks & 12 weeks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think please. And thank you for all your support!

_ In hindsight, Emma and Alyssa should have known that Alyssa’s mom was onto them from the start.  _

_ They’d arrived back in Edgewater on the day before Christmas Eve - far later than either of them had anticipated. With the storm that was growing in the midwest and the constant battle that Alyssa was having with her nausea, the couple had found themselves driving home for the holidays instead. It seemed like a good idea initially. A road trip. An adventure. Half a dozen pee stops later though and more traffic than either of them had ever seen, they finally found themselves pulling into the drive of Alyssa’s childhood home. In the dead of night. _

_ “Baby,” Alyssa whispered. She shook Emma’s arm gently to wake her up, suppressing a chuckle at the sight of the blonde - glasses askew and hair dishevelled.  _

_ “Mhmm,” Emma hummed, her eyes squeezing tightly together and her nose scrunching as she woke up. Her answer came out in a raspy stream of consciousness. “Is it my turn? Do you need to pee again?” _

_ Alyssa unbuckled her seatbelt and reached over, brushing the hair away from Emma’s face, and gave her a small smile. Not that she could help it. The drool that Emma was trying to conceal as she woke up was adorable. “No, we’re here.” _

_ Emma wiped the side of her face. Her eyebrows furrowed as her brain caught up. “We were supposed to switch again when we crossed over Ohio.” _

_ “You needed the sleep,” Alyssa shrugged. “Besides, it doesn’t matter now since we’re here. My mom texted that she couldn’t wait up for us any longer.” _

_ “That late?” Emma asked. _

_ Alyssa nodded. “We can unpack the car tomorrow. Let’s just go to bed.” _

_ Emma nodded back, following her wife in a tired haze as they left the car and tiptoed into the quiet Greene household. It was only a few hours later when her eyes fluttered back open that Emma managed to string a coherent thought together again. For a moment, she wasn’t entirely sure where she was, but as Alyssa turned in her sleep and snuggled in closer to her it all came flooding back.  _

_ She sighed contentedly as she nuzzled into the brunette, inhaling the familiar scent of her coconut shampoo and thanking the stars that were still out for letting the night not be over yet. Mornings like that were her favourite. Where they could wake up early and not have to worry about getting up for work - where they could see the time on the clock and roll back over again without a care in the world. Emma pulled Alyssa in a little tighter and placed a light kiss on her forehead, letting her eyes flutter closed.  _

_ When Emma opened her eyes again there was considerably more light seeping into the room than before. She groaned as she felt Alyssa slip out from underneath the covers, the warmth that the brunette had been providing her with leaving along the way. Alyssa sat on the edge of the mattress for a moment as she stretched. Emma begrudgingly forced her eyes to open fully. She threw a hand lazily in Alyssa’s direction, tugging the fabric of her shirt until her wife fell back down beside her again. Emma slid down the bed and rested her head on Alyssa’s belly. _

_ “Do we have to get up yet?” Emma murmured, wrapping her arm around Alyssa’s hips and pulling her closer. She nuzzled into her side and her nose brushed against her belly. Alyssa could just about make out the whisper that came next. “Good morning, peanut.” _

_ Alyssa grinned. “Good morning to you too.” _

_ “What time is it?”  _

_ “A little after nine,” Alyssa replied, leaning down for a kiss. “I’m going to go make some coffee. Do you want one?” _

_ Emma frowned. “You’re not allowed.” _

_ Alyssa giggled, tickled by the cuteness of the blonde - her eyes sleepy and nose scrunched in protestation. _

_ “I’m allowed one,” Alyssa chirped.  _

_ “I don’t know...” _

_ Alyssa poked Emma’s stomach gently. “If you want us to spend the next three days with my mom in relative peace - you’ll let me have it.” _

_ “I’ll be down in five.” _

* * *

“Can you come in here for a second?” Alyssa said, with a look that Emma knew was far too innocent to be genuine. She poked her head out of the dressing room door and pouted until Emma looked up from her phone. 

Emma nodded immediately, tucking the device into her back pocket and rising up to her feet. “Of course.”

She followed her wife back through the door that she had come, expecting some sort of mayhem with a zip or a shirt that she couldn’t quite get on, but Alyssa rounded on her immediately. The brunette reached behind her, pressing Emma against the door and locking the door behind her. Alyssa hesitated for a moment. Their noses brushed together and Emma let out a long breath, sensing already what was coming and feeling her heart flutter in the process.

Alyssa ducked her head forward suddenly, capturing Emma in a searing kiss. Emma couldn’t help the low moan that escaped past her lips as they parted, longing for more.

“What are you-?” Emma tried as they parted momentarily, her senses coming back to her all of a sudden. The next kiss caught her dead on. “Mhmm-.”

Her hands found their way onto Alyssa’s waist instinctively and she turned, pushing the brunette against the door and bringing their bodies further together. When Alyssa’s tongue darted out to brush against her lips, asking for careful permission, Emma couldn’t help but let out a gasp - her lips parting for good. Emma’s arms snaked around her back. 

“We shouldn’t...” Emma said quietly. 

Alyssa smirked against her lips, her breath coming out in short sharp bursts. “We shouldn’t...?”

Emma’s lips drifted away, latching onto the first available stretch of skin below her jaw until she heard a subtle moan in the brunette’s throat. She paused after a second, her breath heavy against caramel skin. 

“‘Lys-”

“What’s wrong,” Alyssa whined, her hands snaking up to grasp blonde waves. 

Emma sighed and placed a gentle kiss against her wife’s lips, ignoring the desire that was building slowly in the pit of her stomach.

“Don’t me wrong, I l _ ove _ this,” Emma smirked. She placed a light kiss on the tip of Alyssa’s nose. “Maybe just not in the changing room of a maternity store.”

Alyssa pouted. “We’ve done worse.”

Emma chuckled. “You’re trouble.”

“And you love it.”

“I do,” Emma sighed. 

Alyssa leaned up for one last kiss, accepting defeat. “Okay, okay.”

“I’m gonna go look at some toys.  _ Kids  _ toys.  _ Baby  _ toys,” Emma corrected herself quickly, groaning as Alyssa smoothed her hands across her shirt - making her look as presentable as she was a few minutes ago. The brunette let out a laugh at her wife’s fumble. “Jesus, I swear I’ll be a responsible parent.”

“Sure you will, honey,” Alyssa laughed as Emma unlocked the door, disappearing back into the store again before the blush in her cheeks could grow any darker. 

* * *

_ “The church is still running their food collection until late tonight,” Veronica explained. “There’s always a rush of good will at the last minute. I should really be there now but I thought I would at least have breakfast with you first.” _

_ Emma smiled. “We could stop by later if you need an extra pair of hands.” _

_ “We’re going ice skating at 12,” Alyssa added, much to Emma’s chagrin, as she smoothed down the blonde’s bed head. Emma had been hoping that the long she ignored it, the better the chance there was that Alyssa would forget she had agreed to it. She was bitterly disappointed. “We could meet you for lunch and then come back with you?” _

_ “That would be fantastic,” she grinned, her attention quickly averting to her buzzing cell phone. “I’ll come meet you by the rink. Sorry, I should take this quickly.” _

_ “Nice to see your mom focusing her energy somewhere else now that she doesn’t have a PTA to attend to,” Emma commented.  _

_ Alyssa gave a small nod. “Yeah.” _

_ “You okay?” _

_ Alyssa nodded again and reached for her glass, taking a small sip of water. Emma frowned. She wasn’t convinced by her wife’s response. Though, if the way that her face had paled in the last ten seconds was anything to go by, Emma knew exactly what was coming next. _

_ Alyssa opened her mouth to reply but quickly threw a hand up to cover it again, darting away from the table and skipping back upstairs before Emma even had a chance to move.  _

_ She sighed, pushing her chair back to follow. Morning sickness was Emma’s least favourite part of it all and she wasn’t even the one that had to suffer through it. She just hated seeing Alyssa struggle. It helped a little that they knew it wouldn’t last for much longer - they just had to grin and bear it now. There was only so many times Emma could make Alyssa a mug of tea to settle her stomach before it inevitably ended up down the toilet bowl again. _

_ “Everything okay?” Veronica asked, a confused expression taking over as she walked back into the room. _

Shit.  _ They hadn’t thought about how to explain it.  _

_ “Alyssa isn’t really feeling that great,” Emma started, trying to seem genuine. It wasn’t a total lie. “I’m just going to go check and see how she is.” _

_ “Oh dear. I thought that she was looking a little pale. I hope she isn’t coming down with anything so close to Christmas.” _

_ “She’ll be fine,” Emma assured, helping to clear away some of the dishes they had accumulated. “Usually by the time lunch rolls around she’s able to eat something and feels a little better.” Emma stopped herself. “I mean, usually when she’s sick. I’m hoping it’s just the same this time.” _

_ “Hmm,” Veronica hummed. “I’ll finish up here. You go see if she’s alright.” _

_ By the time that Emma made it back upstairs, Alyssa was already cleaning herself up. She caught Emma’s reflection in the mirror in front of her and offered a small smile.  _

_ “It’s getting better.” _

_ “Still sucks though,” Emma replied, wrapping her arms around Alyssa from behind.  _

_ She figured it was better not to bring up the close call with Alyssa’s mom for now.  _

* * *

Alyssa puffed her cheeks out as she searched through yet another pile of maternity pants. She knew that the inevitable was coming. She just wished that it would hold fire for another few weeks at least. Though, granted, she knew that it was a miracle in itself that she managed to get her jeans buttoned at all this morning - having resigned herself to dresses and sweatpants exclusively of late. 

Alyssa decided on a pair after another minute or so, heading towards the cashiers desk before she could change her mind.

“Did you find everything that you were looking for today?”

“Yes, thanks,” Alyssa replied with a tight smile. The cashier couldn’t have been much older than herself. She felt bad for not being as friendly, so she opened her mouth again. “I’m sure I’ll be back soon enough though when these don’t fit anymore.”

“When are you due?” she asked.

“Not until June.”

“Well, if you’re lucky you might just get away with it,” the woman smiled, scanning the tags on the clothes. “Your husband is a lucky man.”

“My wife,” Alyssa corrected offhandedly as she pulled out her card, gesturing over to where Emma was standing. It wasn’t unusual for someone to make the mistake. “I’m the lucky one though.” Alyssa let out a laugh as she watched Emma inspect two different teddy bears, her smile broadening at the sight. She had the most adorably thoughtful look on her face - her eyebrows furrowing down as though it were the most serious decision in the world. “I think she’s having a little too much fun picking out toys. I figured I’d better pay quickly before she decides on anything else.”

She turned back to the cashier who was waiting patiently for her to pay. Alyssa couldn’t help but notice the change in the other woman’s demeanour - all the niceties that they’d shared before suddenly wiped away. 

“Here,” she said, thrusting Alyssa’s bag towards her. 

Alyssa frowned. Strange. “Have a nice day.”

The woman said nothing back.

“Good to go, babe?”

Alyssa’s head shot around, her eyes catching Emma’s immediately. The blonde was still a little red around the cheeks, not quite managing to compose herself completely since their brief changing room rendez-vous. 

“Yeah,” Alyssa nodded. All thoughts of her encounter with the cashier slipped from her mind as Emma gave her hand a light squeeze. It was probably nothing. She was probably just reading into the situation a little too much. “All good.”

* * *

_ Alyssa grinned as she watched her wife carefully try and manoeuvre her way onto the ice rink without falling, looking far more like a baby deer on their feet for the first time than anything else. She took pity on Emma after a moment or two and glided back towards her to offer a helping hand. _

_ “People aren’t meant to put sharp blades on their feet and walk across frozen water,” Emma huffed, blowing a loose wave of hair away from her eyes. “Especially not when they’re pregn-” _

_ “Shh,” Alyssa hushed her. It wasn’t like anyone was going to hear them, but she still didn’t want to risk anything before they told her mom. She looped an arm around Emma’s waist to support her. “You’re just mad because you’re not good at it.” _

_ “I’m trying,” Emma pouted. _

_ Alyssa’s smile grew impossibly wider. “You’re doing great, baby.” _

_ After a few minutes of stopping and starting, and a few close calls where they were almost both sent flying to the ground, the couple found a nice rhythm skating across the rink with each other - though admittedly Emma was holding onto the brunette for dear life. Alyssa didn’t mind though.  _

_ Emma had never been more relieved to see Veronica Greene in her life than when the older woman came into view by the side of the ice. “Thank god.” _

_ Alyssa held back her disappointment as they grew closer to her mother. She knew that it had taken a lot to even get Emma to come so she was at least grateful for that - even though she could have spent all day twirling around the rink if she could.  _

_ “Ready to go?” her mom asked.  _

_ “Yes,” Emma answered immediately, barely giving her time to finish the question. _

_ “Just one more minute,” Alyssa said, wriggling out of Emma’s grasp and leaving the blonde clutching onto the sideboard. “I’ll be right back.” _

_ And with that she sped away, starting another lap on the rink far quicker than Emma could ever dream of going. Emma’s heart sank down into her stomach as she watched Alyssa weave in and out of the other skaters, praying that she wouldn’t end up wiping out.  _

_ And then she did.  _

_ A foot away from Emma and her mom at most, the toe of her skate got caught on the ice sending her tumbling down to her knees with a thud. Alyssa could only laugh as she looked back up at them, pulling a curl unceremoniously out of her mouth as she stood back up again.  _

_ “Okay,” Alyssa giggled. “Now I’m good to go.” _

_ “Are you okay?!” _

_ Alyssa nodded as she wiped away the ice shavings that were covering her jeans. “I’m absolutely fine.” _

_ “Are you sure you didn’t hurt yourself?” Emma pressed, unable to shake the horrible nervousness that had settled in her stomach.  _

_ “Babe,” Alyssa assured her, reaching out to loop her arm around the blonde’s waist like before. “I’m sure. Just a big dent to my ego.” _

_ Veronica chuckled, not nearly as worried as Emma had been. She had no reason to be. “There’s worse things in life than having your wife worry about you, Alyssa.” _

_ “I was just-,” Emma stopped herself short and forced a smile across her lips, letting out a long breath to quell her anxieties. She had no choice but to play it off. “Can you believe after all that, you were the one to fall and not me?” _

_ Alyssa nudged her, feigning offense. “For that, you’re making your own way back Nolan.” _

_ Emma groaned as Alyssa slipped out of her embrace and skated away again, unaffected by her altercation with the ice a moment ago. The brunette turned to give her a cheeky grin. It was going to be a tough six months ahead. Tougher though, Emma thought as she tried putting one foot in front of the other herself, was trying to get back to safe ground without falling flat on her face. _

* * *

The smell of Alyssa’s cooking was what brought Emma into the kitchen. Whatever it was, it smelled good. She stopped as she made it to the stove, reaching a hand up to give Alyssa’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as the brunette stirred the pot in front of her. Alyssa gave her a small smile but didn’t look up. 

“Everything okay?” Emma asked quietly. “You’ve been quiet all afternoon.”

“Just thinking,” she replied.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Alyssa glanced up to Emma but only shrugged. She would need to rob a bank to pay for what was going on in her head. She turned back to the stove again, her focus returning to the pasta sauce. Emma didn’t budge though. Alyssa knew that her wife knew her too well to give up so easily.

She opened her mouth after another quiet moment. “Do you ever...” Alyssa paused. She wasn’t sure what she was even trying to say. “The woman in the store was pretty surprised when she realised that you were my wife. Well, more that I  _ had  _ a wife.”

“Did she say something to you?”

“No, no,” Alyssa assured her quickly. Emma was never a confrontational person, but she was the type to stand up for anyone else at a moments notice. Especially if that someone was her wife. “It was more what she didn’t say, I guess.”

Emma nodded understandingly. “Yeah?”

“I know that we’ve faced our fair share of homophobes. I guess I’m just realising how naive it was of me to think that it wasn’t going to happen all over again because of the baby. It’s like a whole other layer of judgement that I never even considered.”

Emma bit her lip. “I try not to worry about it too much.”

Alyssa sighed. She reached over to find a lid to cover the pot before turning completely towards the blonde. It was always easier for Emma to not think about stuff like this. As much as it hurt her, the blonde always found a way to play it off - like water off a duck's back. It was something that Alyssa had never quite managed to master. 

“I just hate the idea that people might think less of you in any way,” she started. “I’m lucky because I’m the one carrying them. People don’t ask questions about me. I know that we shouldn’t care about other people’s opinions but I just hate the thought that people...I don’t know, it’s never something that’s going to go away. Two moms is  _ different _ .”

Emma nodded. “You’re right. There’s always going to be a lot of people with a lot of opinions. I just have to remind myself constantly that they don’t matter.”

Alyssa paused for a second. She wasn’t sure exactly what she was trying to say. It was a bigger conversation for another time. Emma’s hand slid down until she found her way to Alyssa’s, lacing their fingers together. 

“It’s going to be hard for them,” Alyssa said finally. “Having two moms.”

“It might be,” Emma replied. “But I would rather have two moms that cared and loved them unconditionally than have some traditional two parent household that didn’t give a crap.”

Alyssa’s lips twitched upwards. “We’re going to be great parents.”

Emma smiled back. “We are  _ definitely  _ going to be great parents.”

Alyssa squeezed Emma’s hand gently. “No matter what anyone else has to say about it.”

“Exactly,” Emma nodded again. “Just to be clear though - I’m the cool mom.”

Alyssa’s eyebrows furrowed. “No fair. I want her to think that I’m the fun mom.”

“Her?” Emma asked.

Alyssa shrugged, her smile returning and growing quickly. “Today it feels like a she.”

Emma hummed, her free hand finding its way to Alyssa’s stomach. She traced her fingers over her belly. “Do you want to find out?”

“I don’t know.”

“I know we said that we would keep it as a surprise but if you want we could.”

Alyssa chuckled. “Are you just asking because you want to find out now?”

“I don’t think we need to give Barry any more reasons to throw a party.”

“You know my mom is going to want to throw a baby shower. She’s already texted me a million times asking if she should be knitting blue or pink.”

“We could always tell her just to go with yellow.”

Alyssa nodded, laughing again. She leaned up to give Emma a quick kiss before turning back to dinner again. “That sounds like a plan.”

* * *

_ "Where’s Emma?” Alyssa asked as she walked into the kitchen, still towel drying her hair. _

_ “They needed some help across the street putting some decorations up,” her mom replied. “They blew down with the wind.” _

_ Alyssa hummed. “It’s getting a little dark-” _

_ “Oh, she’ll be fine, honey,” Veronica assured.  _

_ Alyssa walked a little closer to the counter. “Cookies?” _

_ The older woman nodded. “Some for you and some for me to take back to the church later. I’m locking up tonight.” _

_ Alyssa bit her lip, There was the real dilemma. She could stay and help her mom bake her special cookies, the ones that she only got once or twice a year growing up and tasted like pure heaven on a baking sheet, or she could watch Emma balance precariously on their neighbour’s roof and have a heart attack in the process. The decision wasn’t difficult for the brunette.  _

_ “Need any help?” _

_ “Sure,” she smiled. “You could grease that tray for me.” _

_ Alyssa nodded, setting down her towel before getting to work.  _

_ “I’ve been craving these for months.” _

_ Veronica hesitated for a second, considering whether or not to say what she was going to.  _

_ “I had a feeling you might be,” she replied. “I had a sweet tooth when I was pregnant with you. I thought you might be the same.” _

_ Alyssa’s stomach dropped. Her mouth fell open as her brain tried to formulate a quick response, but it was as though the entirety of the English language had been wiped from her memory. “I- um, I,,,” _

_ Her mom glanced up from the dough she was kneading and gave her a knowing smile. “I know that I’m not the most observant at times but in my defense, you two have gotten even worse at keeping secrets.” _

_ “How did you...?” _

_ “Well, for a start, Emma near enough had a heart attack when you fell earlier. I think she’s ready to wrap you in bubble wrap and be done with it.” She wiped off her hands and turned to Alyssa. “And you were sick this morning too. Emma isn’t very good at thinking on her feet. I know that something was going on. Besides, we’re Greene’s, we don’t get sick. We have the immune systems of champions.” _

_ “Morning sickness,” Alyssa confirmed with a small laugh, still in disbelief.  _

_ She pulled Alyssa into a tight hug. “I can’t believe that I’m going to be a grandma.” _

_ “You guessed just from that?” she asked, a smile spreading across her face as the relief of her secret being revealed washed over her. It had been killing her to keep it for so long in the first place. _

_ “Oh, please. Mothers always know. I could tell from just one look at you that something was different,” Veronica beamed. “So, tell me everything. When are you due? Have you thought about any names yet?” _

_ "It's still pretty early," Alyssa shook her head. “Can I ask you a favour, please?” _

_ “Of course.” _

_ “Emma helped me pick out a gift to surprise you tomorrow morning. She’s been pretty excited about telling everyone and I just don’t want to ruin it for her,” Alyssa started. “It’s not like she has her parents' support, you know that, or any other family in Edgewater now. Do you think that we could keep it between us for now? Just until the morning, that is?” _

_ “I think I might burst with excitement if I have to wait any longer,” Veronica joked. “But of course, my lips are sealed.” _

_ “Can I tell the ladies at church?” her mother asked suddenly. “One of them has been going on and on about how her son got into grad school, it would be good to have something to stick it right back to-” _

_ Alyssa could only laugh. _


	4. 19 weeks & 10 weeks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> leave a comment and let me know what you think! i hope everyone is doing okay. the world is a crazy place right now and the atrocities that are happening in the us are sobering.

“I think you’re getting more paint on yourself than on the walls, Em.”

Emma’s head shot up at the sound of her wife’s voice. Before Alyssa even had the chance to open her mouth again the blonde was already on her feet, the brush in her hand hastily discarded into the eggshell tin of paint she’d been working from. Emma pushed Alyssa gently away from the door - trying her best to block the rest of the room from the brunette’s view. There wasn’t much to see but Emma still didn’t want to spoil it.

“No, no, no,” Emma shook her head firmly. “No peeking.”

Alyssa pouted. She loved surprises. Secrets? Not so much. It was taking all of her willpower not to sneak looks at the nursery while Emma was out of the apartment. She figured that she deserved a little treat considering she’d managed to wait so long. “But-?”

“No buts,” Emma replied instantly. 

She reached behind her for the door handle, closing it with a gentle thud. Emma had insisted a few weeks ago that she should lie back and let her do all of the work on the nursery. Somehow in the mix of the conversation Emma had also managed to convince Alyssa to let her surprise her with it too. They had picked out a few things here and there - the important stuff like the crib and a bassinet, and a couple of toys here and there when they were out shopping - but the rest of it had been left in Emma’s capable hands. 

Alyssa trusted her. For the most part. 

It was still torture.

It would be worth it though. That was what Alyssa just had to keep telling herself. Thinking about the delight that filled Emma’s eyes whenever she spoke about it, excited for the big reveal, was enough to make Alyssa feel better instantly. 

“The room is empty. You haven’t built anything yet,” Alyssa insisted. “The only thing that I’m spoiling is the colour of the walls.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Emma feigned ignorance, her arms looping around Alyssa’s waist.

“Hmm,” Alyssa hummed, not content. 

Emma placed a placating kiss on the brunette forehead. Normally she would cave for Alyssa in an instant. Her expression changed suddenly as she leaned back, an idea coming to mind. Emma pretended to be confused but before Alyssa could ask her what was wrong, Emma ducked her head down and placed her ear against Alyssa’s belly.

“What’s that?” Emma said. “Oh, okay.”

Alyssa rolled her eyes, her hand settling on top of Emma’s head. She ruffled her blonde waves. “Em...”

“Peanut thinks that you should be more patient,” Emma nodded endearingly, glancing up to her wife. “What’s that? Peanut also says that we should order pizza tonight.”

“Oh, is that so?” Alyssa giggled. “They didn’t say anything to me.”   
Emma held her hands up in defense as she rose back up to her feet. “Don’t shoot the messenger.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“Maybe,” Emma shrugged. Her arms found their way back around Alyssa’s waist, pulling them close together. “I’m your idiot though.”

“You sure are,” Alyssa smirked. One of her hands snaked up towards Emma’s face, wiping away a smudge of paint that had dried on Emma’s cheek. “My  _ messy  _ idiot.”

* * *

_ “I hate this,” Alyssa grumbled. _

_ “I know.” _

_ “I just...” she trailed off. “I hate this.” _

_ “I know,” Emma repeated, unlocking the front door of their apartment and ushering her wife through.  _

_ “I thought pregnancy was supposed to be fun.” _

_ “I thought we had a nice night?” _

_ Alyssa sighed. She slipped off her shoes, turning to face the blonde as she shrugged off her coat. “We did. I just hate keeping this from them. I wish we could tell them now.” _

_ “Me too,” Emma agreed. “It won’t be long. Better safe than sorry.” _

_ She followed Alyssa on her way to the couch, plopping down next to her. Emma looked round to her, noticing the thoughtful expression on her face, and squeezed her thigh gently.  _

_ “Everything is going to change soon. Everyone will know.” _

_ Emma chuckled, her hand sliding up to rest on Alyssa’s stomach instead. “I think it’s a little late to be worrying about that now. Things have already changed.” _

_ The serious expression on Alyssa’s face didn’t falter. She bit her lip as she turned to face Emma.  _

_ “Do you think we’re going to be good at this?” _

_ Emma nodded sincerely. “I do.” _

_ “It’s not like we’ve had good parental influences this far.” _

_ “Maybe not,” Emma shrugged. “But we have each other.” _

_ “It’ll be fine,” Alyssa nodded, swinging her legs over Emma’s lap to get more comfortable.  _

_ “It’ll  _ probably  _ be fine.” _

_ Alyssa giggled. “Yeah, probably.” _

_ Emma watched as Alyssa reached for the television remote, flicking through the channels absentmindedly. It was a lot to think about - not that they hadn’t thought about it before. The entire process that they’d been through to get there was long and winding, and they’d spoken for months until their faces were blue, but now that it was real... _

_ It was just  _ different _.  _

_ It wasn’t just an idea of a future anymore. Emma could see their lives stretched out ahead of them. She could reach out and touch it with her bare hands.  _

_ “We’re going to have to start talking about names soon.” _

_ “Mhmm,” Alyssa shook her head. She snuggled closer into the blonde’s side. “It’s too soon. I don’t want to jinx it.” _

_ Emma ignored her. “We have to pick something cool.” _

_ “I swear to god if you suggest something like ‘Tatum’ or ‘Lakynn’ or...I don’t even know,” Alyssa huffed. “I feel like every mom in the midwest just throws together letters and hopes it looks cute enough to pass.” _

_ Emma chuckled. “Don’t worry. Not on my list.” _

_ Alyssa paused, peeking up at the blonde curiously. “You have a list?” _

_ “Don’t you?” she frowned.  _

_ Alyssa shook her head again. “I’ve never really thought about it, I guess.” _

_ “I figured that Kaylee and Shelby would have dragged you into a million conversations about it during high school,” Emma smirked. “The baby names, the wedding ideas, the dream. Isn’t that what all girls do?” _

_ “You did it?” _

_ Emma chuckled, correcting herself. “ _ Most _ girls.” _

_ “They did,” Alyssa answered. “I wasn’t sure I’d ever get here though so I didn’t let myself by into it much. My mom always wanted me to have this perfect life...and then I realised that I wasn’t straight. It was hard to think about a future when I couldn’t get my head around the present, y’know? I wasn’t sure I could ever have that sort of life.” _

_ Emma nodded. She had wondered the same thing. “Me too.” _

_ “And then you happened,” Alyssa continued. She let out a long breath, leaning up to capture Emma’s lips in a kiss. “And what came next was more than I could have ever come up with across the lunch table. It was more than I could ever have dreamed for.” _

_ Emma knew the feeling. It was the same thing that she went to sleep thinking about every night, with Alyssa in her arms, and it was the same thing that she woke up feeling grateful for every morning. Emma leaned back slightly, brushing her nose against Alyssa’s. “I love you so much, you know that right?” _

_ “I do,” Alyssa smiled, giving Emma a quick peck before settling back on the couch again. “I love you so much too.” _

_ “Maybe we could start making a list together.” _

_ “I’d like that.” _

* * *

Emma hummed contentedly as Alyssa drew lines up and down her arm, a familiar tune quietly escaping past her throat as her wife wiped away the residual flecks of white paint stuck to her skin. She placed a kiss at the nape of Alyssa’s neck, nuzzling into the brunette curls that had been thrown up in a bun atop her head. It was bliss. Alyssa sighed softly and leaned back further until their bodies were flush. 

“Thank you.”

Emma frowned, catching Alyssa’s eye as she tilted her head back to look up at the blonde. “What for?”

Alyssa shrugged. There was too much for her to possibly mention. Today though, she was feeling particularly grateful. “For everything. The room looks really great, just for the record.”

“You saw nothing,” Emma pouted, poking the brunette gently in the side until she giggled. “I’ll forgive you though.”

Alyssa’s hands drifted down until she could lace her fingers between Emma’s, and brought their arms across to rest on her stomach. Emma couldn’t help but smile as she felt the swell of Alyssa’s bump. It didn’t matter how many times she felt it, she wasn’t sure that it would ever stop making her smile. 

Alyssa let out a long breath. The bath had definitely been a good idea. There was an ache that had settled low in her back, refusing to budge all through the day, but as soon as they had slipped into the water together all of her pain had seemed to melt away. Maybe it was just Emma’s familiar touch that eased the tension in her muscles, or the bubbles around them that always helped her to relax. Either way, neither of them were complaining.

They stayed that way until the steaming water around them began to cool, neither needing to say another word. Emma eased her arms out from around Alyssa’s waist eventually. She didn’t want to disturb the brunette but she knew that if she waited any longer then they would both be falling asleep and their fingers would turn to prunes. 

“We should go to bed,” Emma whispered. 

“We should,” Alyssa agreed. She didn’t budge though, her eyes still shut as she leaned back into the blonde. She didn’t want to move at all. “Just five more minutes.”

Emma chuckled. “C’mon, sleepy.”

“M’kay,” Alyssa sighed, sitting up eventually with the help of her wife.

Emma stepped out first, wrapping herself up in one of the towels she had brought into the bathroom for them, and reached a hand out to Alyssa as she stood up. 

At first, Emma thought Alyssa had just slipped - her back foot sliding across the bath. Both of Emma’s hands shot out further to catch the brunette underneath her arms as she fell. The deadweight of Alyssa against her was enough to tell her that it wasn’t simply a stumble.

“Woah,” Emma said sharply, holding Alyssa up with one arm while the other reached out to grab the other towel. She leaned back to catch Alyssa’s gaze as her eyes flickered back open again, covering her up as best she could as she lifted her head back up. “Are you okay?”

Emma turned them both, gently pushing Alyssa down to sit on the closed toilet seat.

“I’m fine,” Alyssa mumbled. She reached out to steady herself on the side of the sink, though Emma refused to let go of her even for a moment. “I think I just got up a little too fast.”

“Are you sure?” Emma pressed, a deep frown settling onto her face. Alyssa pulled the towel tighter around her with her other hand. “Maybe we should get you checked out? Or call your mom?”

Alyssa shook her head, the colour quickly returning to her face. “I’m absolutely fine. I promise.”

Emma’s anxiety didn’t budge. She thought carefully for a moment, weight up all of the options in front of her. Her mind darted back to the chapters and chapters of baby books that she’d been reading over the past few weeks. It didn’t make her feel any better.

“Alyssa,” Emma said. “I just had to catch you. If you were alone and passed out. I-”

Alyssa shook her head, reaching up to cup Emma’s cheeks with both hands. She looked deeply into the blonde’s eyes, hoping to quell some of the worry that remained in them. “If it happens again, I’ll go see someone. Dizzy spells are common.”

Emma grumbled as Alyssa rose back up to her feet again, immediately wrapping an arm tightly around her waist as they walked slowly into the bedroom. Her head dropped as Alyssa stopped in her tracks. The brunette’s expression turned vacant.

“‘Lys,” Emma said, feeling the panic quickly rise in her chest again as Alyssa rubbed a hand across her belly. “What is it?”

“I thought I...,” Alyssa started. Her eyebrows furrowed. “Yeah. I definitely heard Peanut telling you not to worry.”

Emma huffed. “I hate you.”

“You love me.”

* * *

_ “Jonathan.” _

_ “Nope.” _

_ “Marie.” _

_ “I’m not birthing an eighty year old woman.” _

_ “Stephanie.” _

_ “Or a baby that’s going to ask to speak to the manager every time we leave the house,” Alyssa chuckled.  _

_ It had become somewhat of a game for them in the early stages of Alyssa’s pregnancy - to shoot out whatever names came to mind to see what the other would think. Emma didn’t tend to take it too seriously. She had a few names that she liked but she decided to keep them close to her chest for now, instead throwing a few in the brunette’s direction that she knew would tease her.  _

_ “Alyssa,” Emma had whispered a few nights later in bed, gently shaking her wife out of the sleep she was in. “Alyssa?” _

_ Alyssa grumbled as she forced her eyes open, catching the time on the clock by their bed as they focused. “What is it?” _

_ “I have a name.” _

_ “Emmmmma,” she whined, turning to face the blonde.  _

_ “Hear me out.” _

_ “If you’ve woken me up to suggest another name reminiscent of an eighties rock icon again...just know, I will not be happy.” _

_ Emma frowned. “I thought Axel was a pretty badass name for a kid.” _

_ “Not badass enough to wake me up at three in the morning,” Alyssa sighed. She threw an arm over the blonde, nuzzling into her neck. _

_ Emma sighed. She placed a placating kiss on the top of Alyssa’s head, accepting defeat and willing herself to go back to sleep. “Goodnight.” _

_ Alyssa’s eyes fluttered closed again, the steady rise and fall of Emma’s breathing almost settling her back into sleep again. Almost. Her curiosity had other ideas.  _

_ “Fine,” Alyssa huffed, wriggling out of Emma’s embrace. “Tell me.” _

_ Emma grinned as she rose up to lean on her elbow.  _

_ “Walker.” _

_ Alyssa groaned. “Like Texas Ranger?” _

_ Emma frowned but nodded her head. “...Yeah?” _

_ “Veto.” _


	5. 19 weeks and 6 days

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little rough. Sorry in advance. As much as I've leaned into certain areas, I've avoided a lot. This is definitely based on a One Tree Hill storyline though.
> 
> I can confirm that there will definitely be a happy ending to this story, so bear with the angst for now. 
> 
> TW - blood, pregnancy loss.

Alyssa rolled over, trying to find a comfortable position for what felt like the hundredth time in the past hour alone. She felt sick to her stomach. Twisting onto her back again, the brunette took a deep breath - willing the nausea that had fallen over her to leave her in peace. It didn’t do much to help though. Her hand drifted across the sheets, relishing the feeling of the cool fabric against her burning skin. The duvet had long been thrown off. Alyssa threw her other arm across some face, bringing some relief to the fever that had begun to grow and wiping the sweat from her forehead. 

She didn’t get sick. 

Well, with the exception of morning sickness, Alyssa was never sick. She knew what it felt like though. And this? This didn’t feel normal at all. 

A gentle hum sounded from the bed next to her as her hand bumped against something solid. Alyssa’s head turned, making sure that she hadn’t woken up the blonde beside her with her fidgeting. Emma was out cold though - still snoring gently with her head buried in the pillow. The brunette twisted onto her side.

Her heart dropped into her stomach in that moment. 

Her hand drifted behind her, patting at the sheets and her shorts to see if she had just been imagining things. Alyssa sucked in a harsh breath.

She would take being sick over this. 

She pushed herself upright, grimacing at the movement, and reached over to Emma with the hand closest to her wife - wrapping her fingers around the blonde’s arm and shaking until her eyes finally fluttered open. 

“Mhmm-”

“Wake up,” Alyssa said. Her tongue felt heavy in her mouth. Her chest felt tighter with each moment that passed, the panic settling in making it harder to get any sound past her lips. “Emma-”

“Are you okay?” Emma mumbled, rubbing at her eyes as she pushed herself up onto an elbow.

“I think something is-”

Alyssa stopped. She didn’t know what to do. She could see the confusion grow in Emma’s eyes as the blonde’s tired brain tried to catch up with what was happening. She had to stay calm. 

“Something is...?”

“Something is wrong,” Alyssa insisted, gritting her teeth. Her chest ached. She took another breath in. Everything was fine. It was all going to be fine. She couldn’t jump to conclusions. “I’m bleeding.”

“Shit.” The word slipped out of Emma’s mouth without permission. Without thought. Her mind seemed to go completely blank in that moment, short circuiting and refusing to cooperate. Of all the thoughts that were racing through her mind, Emma struggled to pick out a single coherent one. “Okay. It’s going to be okay.”

She pushed herself up and wrapped a careful arm around her wife. Alyssa gripped onto Emma’s shirt tightly, the other hand staying firmly on top of her belly. She turned suddenly as a sharp jolt of pain shot through her stomach, tucking her face into Emma’s neck as the harsh sound of her yelp filled the room. 

“Em-,” Alyssa gasped.

Emma’s mouth went dry. Her mind was struggling to make sense of the minute or so that she’d been awake. There was a train of thought that she wasn’t allowing herself to delve into. The only thing that she could set her mind on was the pain that the brunette was in. She had to fix it. She could fix it. 

“We have to go to the hospital, ‘Lyssa, okay? We have to go now.”

“Mhmm-yea-”

Emma felt Alyssa nod firmly against her chest, unable to push out a response between whimpers and another sudden pain. Emma loosened her grip reluctantly, pushing the brunette gently back down onto the mattress before grabbing her glasses and searching for a pair of sweats to pull on. 

Her keys. 

Where were her keys?

Emma’s head whipped back round to Alyssa. The sight of the other woman laying in bed, her arms wrapped tightly around herself and a permanent grimace on her face - it turned Emma’s stomach. She leaned over the mattress and pushed the hair from Alyssa’s face, placing a kiss on her temple. 

“I’ll be right back okay,” Emma whispered. “Right back.”

* * *

_Alyssa kneeled on the mattress behind Emma, her palms smoothing over the bare skin of her back before drifting around to the front to pull the blonde close to her. She rested her chin on Emma’s shoulder, nudging back the hair and placing a few small by the nape of her neck._

_“Just the pancakes.” Emma said, leaning back into the brunette’s touch, an urgency rising in her tone as she hurried to finish her phone call. “Yes. Room 113. Thank you.”_

_“Did they say how long it would be?”_

_“30 minutes,” Emma replied, letting herself be turned around by the other woman until they were both falling back onto the mattress again. Alyssa settled on top of her, slipping a leg between Emma’s and continuing her trail of kisses beneath the blonde’s jaw. “They said that we’re supposed to make breakfast orders the night before, but they made an exception-”_

_“Mhmm,” Alyssa hummed against her neck, barely acknowledging her statement._

_“Mhmm-” Emma repeated in agreement, finding words a challenge the lower that Alyssa’s mouth travelled._

_Emma’s head tipped back as Alyssa nipped at the skin on her chest, a moan escaping past her lips as the brunette soothed it with her tongue. Alyssa drifted back up again until they were level, their lips clashing together._

_“It pays to be a newlywed," Alyssa murmured against her lips._

_Emma grinned, rolling them until Alyssa was pinned beneath her. “It does indeed, Mrs Nolan.”_

* * *

Emma felt numb.

She had gone into autopilot at the hospital, combatting the thoughts that had been whizzing through her brain at a mile a minute - every new piece of information that they had been given weighing heavy in her mind. It was impossible to take it all in. Exhausting, even. But she had to stay calm and be present. If not for herself then at least for the sake of Alyssa. Now though? All that Emma could feel were the deep rooted nerves in the pit of her stomach. They loomed over her like a dark cloud. They made her feel ill.

She didn’t know what she was supposed to think.

Emma inhaled deeply and blew it back out again, turning her attention back to the road as the stop light in front of her turned green again. It felt like the first real breath she had taken all night. She glanced over to Alyssa, watching the steady rise and fall of the brunette’s chest to give herself a small flicker of relief. Her eyes drifted away again, settling on the clock on the dashboard, and then the road again. 

It was practically morning now. 

She was grateful that Alyssa had managed to get some sleep. The journey wasn’t long, but it was enough for her wife to drift off. The doctor had given Alyssa something to relieve the pain but it only seemed to scratch the surface, taking the edge off and instead replacing it with a drowsiness that she couldn’t shake. Emma hoped that she was dreaming of something nice. Something that would take her far away from the night they just had.

Emma paused as she pulled into park. A few more minutes. A few more minutes of sleep, of not having to face this, of not having to deal with the world that was waiting for them outside of the car. It was the least that she could do for Alyssa. 

God. What were they going to tell everyone?

Emma leaned forward, resting her head against the steering wheel. She wasn’t tired but her eyes were aching for the relief that sleep would give her. Another deep breath in, and another deep breath out. That would have to do for now. 

And in again.

And out again. 

“Are we home?” Alyssa asked groggily, her voice small. 

Emma’s head shot back up. “Yeah, baby. We’re home.”

They didn’t say anything from the car into their apartment. Emma held her carefully, as though she were scared that if she let go for even a second then Alyssa would break into a million pieces. The journey up the stairs was slow. One step at a time. Emma winced along with every sharp intake of breath that Alyssa took, feeling the brunette squeeze her hand a little harder with each step. 

When they got home, Emma left Alyssa to settle on the couch, lowering the brunette down gently before turning in the direction of their bedroom to grab a few pillows and blankets for them. Emma tried to avoid looking at their bed. She made a mental note to clean things up in a few hours once they had gotten some rest. It wasn’t something she wanted Alyssa to deal with later, but it also wasn’t something that she wanted to deal with herself now. 

Alyssa hadn’t moved an inch in the time that Emma had been gone, the same vacant stare plastered across her face. She barely looked up as the blonde drew closer. Emma didn’t say a word. Instead, she kneeled down in front of her wife and carefully unlaced her sneakers before sliding them off. Alyssa let herself be moved - first, her shoes, and then as Emma pulled off the jacket that she had haphazardly thrown on just before they had left for the hospital. 

Emma didn’t need a thank you to be said. She could see it in Alyssa’s eyes. 

Another deep breath, Emma thought. 

She pushed herself back to her feet, kicking off her own shoes and spreading out the blankets. 

“You should try and get some sleep.”

Alyssa looked up after a second, barely registering the blonde’s sentence. “We should probably call later and cancel our appointment.”

Emma sat down on the couch next to her, reaching over to take Alyssa’s hand in her own. “Come lie down with me, ‘Lys.”

“We probably don’t have to go,” Alyssa reasoned. Emma could see the cogs turning in her wife’s brain as she worked through her thoughts. “Do you have the scan? We don’t have to go for a scan if we already have a scan?”

Emma nodded. She didn’t want to get into it right now. She couldn’t. “It’s on the counter.”

Alyssa nodded back. “Okay.”

“Alyssa,” Emma tried again. “Come lie down.”

The brunette hesitated for a moment, but let herself be pulled into Emma’s embrace. Alyssa twisted until she was facing away from Emma, though kept her close. Emma tucked her head into Alyssa’s curls and inhaled deeply. It always helped to ground her. She pulled the other woman closer until their bodies were flush. Alyssa ran her hand along Emma’s arm and laced their fingers together. 

“Your glasses, Em,” she said quietly. “You should take off your glasses.”

Emma nodded. Alyssa didn’t say anything else before drifting back off to sleep again, letting herself be pulled back out of consciousness without resistance.

* * *

“Chocolate chip pancakes,” Alyssa stated plainly, answering the question that was on the tip of Emma’s tongue. She could hear the blonde’s footsteps drawing closer to her. Alyssa had only been awake for an hour or so. She had wiggled out of Emma’s embrace on the couch, leaving the drooling blonde to rest for a while longer. She wasn’t blind to the fact that the night had hit Emma hard too. “I’m not really hungry but...I don’t know. Pancakes.”

“I could have made you something,” Emma replied, wiping the sleep from her eyes as best she could. “You shouldn’t have gotten up.”

“You need to sleep too,” Alyssa shrugged.

Emma took a few more steps, stopping just by the brunette’s side and leaning against the counter to watch her. Alyssa gave her a small smile before turning back to the stove and pouring a little of the batter onto the pan.

“You should be taking it easy,” she pushed, reaching out to place a gentle hand on Alyssa’s arm.

“I had to do something.”

“But-”

“Please, Em,” Alyssa cut her off, glancing up at her with a restrained look of quiet desperation. 

Emma nodded. She didn’t want to push it. To cause any more stress. She knew what her wife was like in the best of moments, and how especially in the worst sometimes it was better just to leave her be. To let her work things out in her own time and keep herself busy. This was different though. 

They hadn’t faced anything like this before.

“How are you feeling?” Emma asked. Alyssa shrugged again. Emma had noticed that the prescription they had been given was still lying untouched on the counter, right where they had left it when they’d gotten home, but she didn’t want to ask directly. Emma tried a different route. “We should probably talk.”

“Talk about what?” Alyssa asked, though she knew all too well. 

“You know what,” Emma fumbled. “We have to-”

“Em-”

“It doesn’t have to be right now.”

“Then why are you even bringing it up at all,” Alyssa said sharply, flicking off the heat on the stove. 

Emma frowned, her eyes following the brunette’s movements. “The doctor said that we could take a few days to decide. I just...I want us to consider all of our options.”

“There’s no options to consider.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I’m not...” Alyssa stopped herself short. She ran a hand through her hair, smoothing it away from her face as she thought for a moment. “I’m having this baby. There’s nothing to discuss.”

“If you have this baby you could die.”

“Our baby, Emma,” Alyssa implored. “Our baby.”

“If you die-.”

“Whatever is meant to happen will happen.” Alyssa reached for Emma’s hand, taking them in her own. Just to bring them closer together. Just for something that she could hold onto. Emma let herself be led numbly, unwilling to digest the words that were coming out of her wife’s mouth. “I can’t interfere with that. With God. With our baby’s life.”

“That’s bullshit, Alyssa. And you know it.”

Emma pulled her hands away and turned, sucking in a deep breath to try and quell the anger that was rising in her chest - to extinguish the threat of tears that she could already feel pushing at the surface.

Alyssa’s tone changed instantly. “Excuse me?”

“You can’t stand in front of me and act all holier than thou all of a sudden,” Emma pressed. “This isn’t a debate about being pro life or pro choice out of interest, Alyssa. This is a doctor telling you the baby could die, or you could die, or you could both die.”

“Pro- _choice_ , Emma. And this is my choice.”

“I can’t lose you, Alyssa.”

“And I can’t lose it this baby.”

“You might lose it anyway!” she cried. “I can’t believe that you’re being so selfish.”

“I’m being...?” the brunette started. Her eyebrows furrowed, her hands dropping down to her side and her gaze dipping with them. A single thought rose to the forefront of her mind. Emma’s statement was resting at the tip of her tongue. Alyssa’s tone softened. She took a step towards Emma. “ _I might lose ‘it’ anyway._ Do you realise what you’re asking me to do?”

“I care-”

“No,” Alyssa interrupted her. “Do you have any idea what you’re actually asking me to do here, Emma? After everything that we’ve gone through. Because if that’s what you’re doing then...”

She wanted to say it, but it would bring their conversation to a grinding halt. 

_Then you’re not the woman that I married._

“I’m asking you to live, Alyssa,” Emma replied quietly. “For me.”

Emma’s mouth opened and shut again, like a fish out of water trying desperately for air. She turned on her heels sharply before Alyssa could say anything back. She needed to be out of the room before either of them had the chance to say something that they couldn’t take back. It was all just too much for her. 

Too much for one day. 

Too much for one life. 

Alyssa didn’t do anything to stop her. She didn’t have the strength to follow the blonde. Instead, she let out a long shaky breath - the sound filling the room with a harshness that made her own heart ache. Her inhale brought back every word that had just been spoken in painful detail. The next exhale only brought regret. 

* * *

_“I can hear you thinking,” Alyssa mumbled._

_Emma chuckled. Her hand drifted up from its place on the small of the brunette’s back to comb through her hair. Alyssa’s curls had long fallen out of the intricate updo that she had worn for the ceremony and the reception that followed. Emma was almost certain that they would still be finding bobby pins tucked away for days._

_God, it had been a long day. And then a long night. And then an even longer night than that by the time that they made it back to their room._

_Emma wouldn’t have had it any other way though._

_“I’ve got a lot to think about.”_

_“If you’re having second thoughts,” Alyssa started, though she betrayed her teasing words by snuggling even closer into Emma’s side. “Then you really should have said something yesterday.”_

_Emma couldn’t help but laugh. She shimmed down the bed, twisting until they were lying face to face, and pulled Alyssa impossibly closer._

_“You wanna know what I’m thinking about?”_

_Alyssa nodded, brushing the tip of her nose against Emma’s. “Mhmm.”_

_“The rest of our lives.”_

_“That is a lot to think about, huh?”_

_Emma shrugged. “I think the whole getting married thing was a good start.”_

_“We’ve already got a house.”_

_Emma feigned a sad sigh. “If only we could have a dog.”_

_“I’m sure you could sweet talk me into it,” Alyssa smirked, ducking her head forward for a kiss._

_Emma hummed contentedly, brushing away a loose strand of hair from the brunette’s face as their kiss deepened. Alyssa smiled against her lips, pulling back for just a second._

_“What are you smiling about?” Emma teased, rolling them over until she was looking down at her wife._

_“Just the rest of our lives.”_

* * *

Alyssa found Emma on the fire escape a little while later, the window shut firmly behind her. She knew that the blonde needed some time on her own to come to terms with everything. They both did. And she knew that her decision would drive a wedge between. Alyssa prayed that it wouldn’t, but she knew that it would. 

So Alyssa waited a little while longer than she wanted to. 

She let the air settle. 

And then, she opened the window - a cup of coffee held carefully in hand as a peace offering. Emma’s head didn’t turn at the sound of the brunette climbing out onto the landing. As though she hadn’t noticed that she was there at all. Alyssa lowered herself down to sit next to Emma, letting her legs dangle off the side. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Emma replied quietly. 

Alyssa handed her the mug without another word. Emma took it, a quiet thanks shared between them, but she didn’t drink - keeping it held tightly between her hands while her gaze stayed straight ahead. 

Alyssa caved in to the silence after a minute or so. “You look tired. You should try and sleep a little.”

Emma ignored her. 

Her eyes flickered down to the mug and then over to the brunette. 

“I can’t lose you, Alyssa,” Emma stated plainly. “I just...I can’t do it. I couldn’t go on if you weren’t here.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“You don’t know that,” she pressed. It was true. Neither of them knew what the next few months were going to hold for them. The bitterness of the diagnosis she had been given rested painfully on the tips of both of their tongues. It tore Emma apart to even consider a future without their baby in it. But a future without Alyssa? It was incomprehensible. “You _can’t_ know that.”

Emma took in a deep breath, setting the cup to the side and rubbing her eyes. She was just _so_ tired. But she knew that there was no easy way to do this. There was no easy way to decide whether or not to...Emma couldn’t even think about it. She turned to Alyssa again to apologise for the way that she’d been acting. Regardless of what they had said, she knew that if it was hard for her, then she had no idea how the brunette must have been feeling. 

Nobody ever teaches you how to deal with this, Emma thought. 

But when her eyes met Alyssa’s, the sight of the brunette staring worried at her - eyebrows furrowed and gaze watery - Emma couldn’t help but crumble. A sob escaped past her lips before she had a chance to stop it. It took all of Alyssa’s strength not to let her own tears fall again. She wasn’t sure that she had any left to cry. But Emma - Emma, she could take care of. She pulled her in close, wrapping her arms tightly around the blonde and letting her nestle into her as she cried, her body heaving with every sob that wracked through it. 

Emma’s hands gripped onto Alyssa as though they were saying goodbye to each other right there and then.

“I’m not going anywhere, baby,” Alyssa whispered, placing kiss after kiss onto Emma’s head - her fingers automatically moving to card through her wife’s hair comfortingly. They had to be strong for each other. They had to be there when the other fell apart. Alyssa _knew_ that she had to hold herself together. They wouldn’t be able to survive if she didn’t. “I promise. I will never leave you. I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. It's a lot, I guess. I'm going to go back into what happened at the hospital later, but I'll always put a quick warning at the top of the chapter.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	6. 21 weeks

“Are you sure that you’ll be okay?”

Alyssa nodded again, a small smile tugging at her lips as Emma’s eyebrows pinched together in concern. “I’m sure.”

“You can call me absolutely any time,” Emma pressed. She glanced down to her watch but her frown only intensified. “Well, I’m supposed to be in a meeting until twelve, but I can get out of it if you need me.”

“ _ Emma _ ,” the brunette sighed. Emma looked back to her wife, her expression relaxing as their eyes met, and nodded slightly back. She perched herself on the edge of the mattress and ran her hand carefully across Alyssa’s duvet covered legs. “Go. Be free, and tell me of the great wonders of the world when you return home.”

Emma chuckled, reaching a hand up to cup Alyssa’s cheek. She leaned in for a soft kiss. Alyssa nudged their noses together as they parted. 

“Have I ever told you how dramatic you are?"

“You would be dramatic too if you’d spent three days stuck in bed.”

Emma paused for a moment, feeling the anxieties that she had been trying to quell rising to the surface again. Alyssa could see it in her eyes. She reached up to place her hand over Emma’s, brushing her thumb over the blonde’s skin comfortingly. 

“Call me,” Emma implored.

Alyssa knew that it wasn’t a question.

Emma had taken the last couple of days off of work to stay home and take care of Alyssa, or at least to make sure that the brunette was taking care of herself. The doctor hadn’t given them much to go off other than a small list of things to look out for - reasons to come back into the hospital - and orders for Alyssa to take it easy for the foreseeable future. It wasn’t that Emma didn’t trust the brunette. She just knew that she had to be in the apartment,  _ with  _ Alyssa, for her own peace of mind. 

She would never forgive herself if something happened and she wasn’t there.

Then again, maybe she needed a little time to adjust too.

“My mom is coming by for lunch today and to check in,” Alyssa said, dragging Emma away from her near-spiral. “So you have nothing to worry about.”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” Emma mumbled.

“You’ll be home before you know it.”

Emma nodded again and pushed herself up from the mattress. She looked around to her dresser, slipping her phone into her pocket and making sure that she had everything that she needed. When she was finally content, she leaned down again to kiss Alyssa’s cheeks - her lips lingering as her hand instinctively moved to reach for the brunette’s growing stomach.

It didn’t reach it.

Emma held herself back. She cleared her throat and instead reached for her tie to adjust instead. It didn’t go unnoticed by Alyssa though. The brunette’s heart sank. 

“Love you.”

Alyssa forced a tight smile across her lips as she watched Emma make a beeline for the door. “You too.”

* * *

In the time since Emma had left her, Alyssa had managed to get herself up and to the bathroom, but not much else. She had tried to be strong and calm and collected for the sake of the blonde, letting her wife feel whatever she had to feel, but she knew that deep down she was just... _ tired.  _ And sore. She could still feel the ghost of the pain she had gone through. Alyssa had tried not to think much about that night. She knew that if she did it would send her down a rabbit hole of panic that she didn’t want to get into. 

She wanted to be strong.

The time in between her wife leaving and her mom arriving though, that was the hardest part. It was the only time she had been truly alone. Alyssa tried to busy herself as best she could - brushing her teeth and throwing her hair into something that was a little more presentable. She just didn’t want to give her mom any more reason to worry. If she at least looked like she was doing alright then the other woman’s mind might be put at ease. 

Alyssa knew that was wishful thinking though - her mom was always going to be worried about her. Alyssa was just glad that she hadn’t told her mother the full story, that she had gone easy on the gritty details. 

Now though, she was wrapped up in a blanket on the couch with a mug of tea that had been forced into her hands by her mom - who wouldn’t stop pottering around her apartment trying to clean.

“Mom,” Alyssa sighed. “You really don’t have to-”

Her mom brushed her off with a haphazard wave, wiping the other across the kitchen counter with a cloth. “It’s one less thing for you to do.”

Not that Emma was letting her do much anyway, Alyssa couldn’t help but think.

“Thank you,” Alyssa replied quietly. She was realising quickly that sometimes it was just better to go along with things without protesting.

After her and Emma’s conversation a few days previous, they’d both settled into a new routine, with Alyssa figuring that the more she just did whatever Emma asked her to, the more likely that they were to get back to some sort of normalcy soon. If it meant taking it easy when she didn’t want to, and spending the day cooped up in bed to keep her wife happy, then Alyssa would do it a million times over. There was a nagging voice in the back of her head that told her Emma hadn’t forgiven her entirely.

Well, not  _ forgiven _ . It was just...a lot. It was unlike anything that they could have expected to happen and dealing with it all was proving to be just as difficult. 

“You know,” her mom started. “You and Emma should really think about getting somewhere bigger. Maybe a little closer to home?”

“This is home, mom.”

“I know, I know,” she nodded. “But if you have any more kids down the line-”

“We’ve talked about it before,” Alyssa said. “One day.”

Her eyes fluttered closed for a moment - imaging a yard, the grass, maybe even a dog down the line when they were settled. Alyssa’s lips tugged upwards. She had wanted it since she was little, life had just gotten ahead of them both in the meantime. She would just have to keep the dog idea tucked away as ammunition in case Emma needed a little convincing.

“Well, one day might just be round the corner,” her mom smiled ruefully. “I don’t want to have to trek all the way here every time I want to see my grandkids.”

“Grand _ child _ . Singular,” Alyssa chuckled, rubbing a hand over her belly. “One at a time.”

“All I’m saying is that the city isn’t the place to raise a child.”

Alyssa’s laugh died in her throat as she felt a twinge in her chest. She only hummed in agreement, feeling a full, nagging sense of guilt settle deep within her. It had been chipping away at her since her mom had arrived - the lingering worries of a secret only half told - but Alyssa had managed to ignore it for the most part. Until now. She knew sooner or later that she was going to have to be completely honest. 

Tell her that there might not be grandchildren.

That there would be no backyard.

That she might not make it at all.

Alyssa took a deep breath. She wished that she could just avoid it all. Pretend that none of it had ever happened and cocoon herself so far into her duvet that she never saw the light of day again. Maybe what the older woman didn’t know couldn’t hurt her? She had toyed with that notion a lot over the past few days. 

But the ache persisted still. 

Alyssa knew that it wasn’t fair to let her mom worry about the future of her child, and herself, when it was a future that very well may not happen. 

It wasn’t fair. None of it was. 

“Hey, mom?” Alyssa said suddenly, her voice crackling out far shakier than she had anticipated. An instant sense of dread filled her from the top down - like someone cracking an egg above her head, letting the cold trickle down her spine. No going back know. “We need to talk about something.”

* * *

“You look like shit, Nolan.” Tommy smirked as he placed down a cup of coffee in front of the blonde. Emma barely looked up as her colleague sat down beside her, only giving a slight nod as a silent thanks for the drink. He wasn’t wrong. She hadn’t really been getting much sleep. “Everything alright with you and Alyssa?”

“What?” she shot back, maybe a tiny bit too shortly. 

The playful smirk slipped from his lips as quickly as it had come. He gave a small shrug, sensing quickly that he might just be right. “The last time you looked this crappy, Alyssa was on that work trip for a week, and you took a few days off.” He shook his head, worried he’d put his foot in his mouth. “Sorry-”

Emma’s expression softened. She gave a shrug back. “Yeah, it’s been a tough couple of days.”

He hummed in understanding. “If you need to get anything off your chest...well, I’ve been told I’m a good listener so I’m here for you. I get it though if you don’t want to go into anything.”

She gave a small smile. Emma wasn’t sure where she would even begin. Tommy was good like that though. He always knew the right questions to ask and where the boundaries were if he stepped a little too far, never prying too much. Emma took in a deep breath. Maybe getting a little of what was going on off her chest would help - it looked more appealing than the mountain of unread emails that she had to catch up on anyway. She had been staring at them for most of the afternoon. It felt like she couldn’t concentrate no matter how hard she tried. 

Emma reached across for her coffee, taking a small sip as she tried to figure out where to start.

“Alyssa was sick,” Emma said suddenly, breaking the silence that had fallen between them. “We had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night. It was pretty bad.”

“The baby?”   


She nodded. “Yeah.”

“Shit,” he sighed. “How are they doing now?”

“Good, I think. Better now at least,” Emma shrugged. “She, um, she has a condition. They found a problem that could make things harder when she has the baby and it could make her even sicker. They caught it quickly though which...I don’t know. It should probably make me feel better, right?”

Emma couldn’t help but fumble over her words. It was the first time since it had happened that she had the chance to say it all out loud. All that she had done with Alyssa was dance around the subject because it was still too painful to touch - like a wound that refused to heal. They had tried a few times, but the conversations had been shut down quickly. Now though, the words left a bad taste in her mouth - unfamiliar and bitter. 

“Oh.”

Emma shrugged again. Her head ducked down to her lap, a feeble attempt to hide the way that her eyes were growing more and more watery by the second. She cleared the throat and continued. “They told us the risks and I thought the chances would be slim, but they said it’s around sixty percent.”

“Emma, I-,” Tommy sighed, reaching out a hand for Emma’s shoulder comfortingly. “I don’t know what to say.”

Neither did Emma. That number had been looming above her head like a dark cloud from the moment it had come out of the doctor’s mouth. A sixty percent chance that Alyssa could haemorrhage during labour. That she could need an emergency c-section. That she could bleed out right there and then. That...

“They could both die,” Emma said, finishing her own train of thought out loud. “It’s just been hard trying to get my head around things and Alyssa seems so...okay with it all, and I don’t know how.

Tommy thought for a moment, a silence falling between them, and then he opened his mouth again.

“You guys will make it through this,” he said simply. “Alyssa is strong.”

Emma sniffed. “She is.”

“And so are you. If anyone can get through this it’s you guys.”

Emma wished that it was as simple as that.

“I know,” she said, thinking maybe if she said it out loud enough then it would come true. That they would figure it out together. That they would get through it unscathed. 

* * *

Alyssa padded out of the bedroom, eager to stretch her aching legs after spending the majority of the day cooped up doing nothing. The sky was dark now and the sheets beside her had been far colder than she liked them being at this time of night. She could almost accept spending as much time in bed as she had if her wife was there with her too.

Alyssa smiled as her eyes found Emma. The blonde was facing away from her, shoulders hunched forward and head bobbing along to whatever was playing through her headphones. Alyssa found her way over to her, sliding her hands over Emma’s shoulders and down her arms before eventually wrapping them around her front. Emma nudged her headphones off, her own hands finding their way to the brunette’s.

“You should be resting,” Emma scolded softly, concern written all over her face as she turned slightly to face Alyssa. 

Alyssa hummed dismissively, pressing a light kiss against her wife’s cheek. She set her head on Emma’s shoulder and her eyes scanned across the laptop screen. “What are you working on?”

Emma shrugged slightly. “Nothing really. Just a demo that I put aside a little while ago.”

“Can I hear?”

“What you can do is get your butt back to bed,” Emma chuckled. 

“ _ Em _ ,” Alyssa whined. “I’ve done nothing but lie in bed all day-”

Emma cut in. “You were on the couch with your mom when I came home-”

“Same thing,” she pouted, prodding Emma’s side. “Please?”

Emma sighed, eventually nodding after a second of deliberation and giving in to the brunette’s request. She skipped the track to the beginning again and pressed play. Alyssa listened for a moment before lacing her fingers through Emma’s and tugging her up from the chair until they were face to face. Alyssa’s hands drifted over the blonde’s biceps, and then her chest, and then up and around her neck until she could pull them closer together. 

“What are you doing?” Emma asked, eyebrows furrowing as Alyssa’s cheek brushed against her own. 

“Dancing.”

Emma couldn’t help but smile. She let herself lean into Alyssa, feeling her growing bump press against her stomach. Her arms instinctively found themselves winding around the other woman’s waist as they swayed back and forth together - Emma’s song ringing out perfectly from the laptop. It was all piano and guitar, with only gentle humming recorded as a guide for a future melody. Alyssa couldn’t help but think that the track was so, irrefutably... _ Emma. _

Alyssa rested her head against Emma’s shoulder, letting out a long breath as she felt the hardwood floors creak quietly beneath the weight of their feet together. She had been craving a moment like this all day. Simple closeness with her wife. The type of moment that always had the capacity to turn any of her bad days into a good one in an instead. Even as the song came to a close, leaving the apartment in a comfortable silence, they kept on swaying.

“Feel better?” Emma asked quietly, her words mumbled against curls. She took a deep breath in, relishing in the way that Alyssa’s familiar scent was a tonic to all of her stresses, before kissing her head softly.

Alyssa nodded. “Can you sing it to me again?”

Emma scrunched her nose. “I’m not quite there yet with the words.”

“Then hum it to me again instead.”

“Okay,” Emma nodded, letting the melody escape past her lips. 

One of Alyssa’s hands moved up to the base of Emma’s neck, scratching gently at the baby curls there. She paused suddenly though, growing tense in Emma’s embrace. It sent a wave of anxiety shooting through Emma’s core and her humming stopped instantly. 

“Wow,” Alyssa murmured. Her head darted down, her gaze fixing itself on her stomach before she looked up again to meet Emma’s anxious eyes. “Did you feel that?”

“What’s wrong?” Emma asked, panic rising. “Feel what?”

She let out a laugh. “There was a kick.”

“Oh.”

“Try and feel it-”

“Oh, I...” Emma shook her head. She took a slight step back, though Alyssa didn’t seem to notice, feeling a twinge in her chest as she watched a new look of excitement fill the brunette’s eyes. She didn’t get that same excitement. She didn’t want to feel it, she wanted to be cautious. She didn’t want her hopes to be ripped from her hands the moment that she felt the first little bit of life at her fingertips. “I don’t have to-”

Alyssa ignored her, reaching immediately for one of Emma’s hands before the blonde had the chance to move any further away. “Just wait.”

Emma swallowed roughly, her throat growing tighter as Alyssa held her hand against her belly. Nothing came. “...Alyssa, I don’t want-”

A flutter.

Alyssa’s eyes met hers again, even brighter than before. “You felt that, right?”

Emma nodded slowly in complete disbelief, feeling the colour rising back to her cheeks right there and then. The corners of her mouth twitched upwards. She took a step closer to her wife again and her other hand settled on Alyssa’s stomach.

“I did,” Emma grinned. “I felt it.”


	7. 22 weeks

Alyssa took a deep breath.

She blew it out slowly again, trying to dispel any of the stress that was looming on the horizon - the inevitable consequence of catching up on some paperwork. And emails. And case updates. She tipped her head back against the couch and closed over the lid of her laptop. It wasn’t like she had anything to worry about for now. They were still working out the kinks of a phased return before she would go on maternity leave - a couple of months of light work while she was still taking things easy - but Alyssa was grateful, at least for now, that she was still off on doctor’s orders. She knew that she would be straight back to the office otherwise. 

Stress wasn’t on the agenda though. It couldn’t be. She knew though that Emma wouldn’t have even entertained the idea of her working from home if she had thought there would be any room for it to go wrong. Alyssa was grateful for that too. There was only so much time that she could spend doing nothing in bed or watching daytime television that she could cope with. 

She wanted to make herself useful - get back to some sort of normalcy and find herself in an environment that she had a firm hold of. An environment where she knew exactly what she was doing. The odd bit of paperwork would have to do for now though. 

Alyssa’s eyelids fluttered closed as she took another breath. Her mom had been sending over relaxation techniques that she had learned from one of her friends at church. Alyssa appreciated it, mostly. She knew how helpless the older woman felt given her situation. Her mom had always been so committed to fixing every problem that cropped up in their lives while she was growing up, trying to forge a path for her to an _easy_ life. 

Veronica Greene couldn’t fix this though.

Maybe it was time to try some of those relaxation tips, Alyssa thought. It was the least that she could do.

“Shit!”

Alyssa’s eyes shot open again. “Em-” She tossed her laptop over to the other side of the couch and pushed herself up to her feet, not caring where it landed. She called out again as she darted out of the room. “Are you okay-?”

Her eyes widened impossibly further as she turned the corner to the nursery. The sight in front of her hadn’t been what she had expected to see at all. Her mouth clamped shut tightly as her eyes latched onto the blonde on the floor ahead of her. 

“Yeah, I’m okay,” Emma huffed, her eyebrows pinching together as she held her thumb close to her chest - inspecting it for damage. She motioned with her other hand to the half built crib just in front of her, shooting the piece of furniture a dirty look in the process. “I nicked myself with a screw.”

Alyssa’s hand drifted up to her stomach. She had been so consumed by her own problems that she hadn’t even heard Emma working. She hadn’t clicked on for a moment that the blonde was in the room at all. She had just assumed that Emma was working on something on her laptop too - giving her a little space to do her own thing. In her defense, the television had been on and her thoughts had been elsewhere, so she didn’t feel as bad for missing the sound of her wife’s building. “I thought you weren’t...”

Alyssa knew that Emma had been avoiding going into the nursery over the past few weeks. She had been doing the exact same thing. Neither of them had even dared to look in the direction of the place. It had taken some time for the sting to wear off, for it not to hurt as much. 

Emma grimaced, misunderstanding completely. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to disturb you. I was trying to be as quiet as I could.”

“No,” Alyssa shook her head, her voice quiet. “It’s okay.”

The blonde’s frown only intensified as she took in the dazed expression on the brunette’s face as her eyes wandered around the room. Emma reached a hand out to Alyssa, urging her silently to come a little closer. “Are you okay?”

Alyssa only nodded as she took Emma’s hand. Her eyes drifted back down to the crib again, scanning over the dark pieces of wood that her wife had been working on putting together. The last time she had been in there she hadn’t seen any furniture at all. Emma had been so careful not to let her see a single thing. Even the fresh coat of paint that Emma put on the walls a few weeks earlier had pushed her limits. It felt like a million years ago now though. 

Now there was a _crib_.

And a matching rocking chair in the corner of the room with the same brown hue and a cotton blanket draped over the back. And empty photo frames waiting to be filled on the wall across from her. It was a lot for Alyssa to take in.

“I thought I wasn’t allowed to see?” Alyssa asked suddenly, swallowing down the lump that was fast growing in her throat. She covered it with a soft smile and Emma’s expression relaxed.

There had been a tiny voice in the back of her head - not one that she let herself entertain for more than a second or two - that questioned if she’d ever get the chance to see it at all. 

Emma shrugged. She squeezed the brunette’s hand gently. “I didn’t want the room to be empty anymore and I didn’t want to wait any longer for you to see it.” She had left things unfinished for too long. The flat packed furniture sitting in the corner was gathering dust and nagging at her to be built with each passing day. It was easy for her to let herself be consumed by what-ifs, to avoid it all together but- “I want you to see it all.”

_Just in case._

Alyssa nodded again. 

This wasn’t how she had imagined their afternoon going but with each passing moment she could feel herself growing more and more fond of the new space. Of the way that it made her heart swell with happiness, with hope. She brought her hand to Emma’s shoulder, using the blonde to steady herself as she lowered herself down onto her knees beside her, before taking Emma’s hand in her own again and inspecting the cut on her finger. 

“I think you’ll live,” Alyssa smiled, gingerly placing a kiss first against it, and then against Emma’s knuckles, before turning to crib. “Can I help you finish it?”

“Absolutely.”

* * *

_Alyssa padded back over to where Emma was sitting, sliding down to the floor next to the blonde, and leaned back against the couch. She shifted, trying to get comfortable, and handed her wife across the fresh bottle of beer she had gotten from the fridge before reaching for her own glass again._

_“You should enjoy that while you can,” Emma teased as Alyssa took a sip of her wine._

_She sighed, a yearning look crossing her eyes as she looked at the glass. Emma couldn’t help but let out a soft laugh. “I will miss you most of all.”_

_Alyssa leaned closer to the blonde, turning her focus back to the laptop screen on her wife’s lap._

_“What about him?”_

_“He’s a college graduate. Runs in his spare time...” the brunette started, humming her approval._

_“-marathons,” Emma cut in._

_“He’s handsome too.”_

_“Hey-!” Emma frowned._

_“Shush,” Alyssa chuckled. She waved her left hand haphazardly, her eyes never leaving the screen. “I married you, remember. Besides, we want cute babies.”_

_“You’re cute enough for them,” Emma mumbled._

_“Oh.”_

_“What?”_

_“Veto.”_

_“Why?” Emma pouted. The looks comment aside, the guy had been pretty promising up until that point. There was only so much looking that Emma could do before her impatience would get the better of her. Her eyebrows furrowed as she scanned the screen for the detail that must have put Alyssa off. “What is it?”_

_“There’s enough conservative Christian nonsense in my genes,” she chuckled, motioning to the bottom of his file. “We don’t need the same thing from him.”_

_“I don’t think you can inherit-”_

_“And he’s a Republican.”_

_“Yeah, you’re right,” Emma nodded instantly. “Veto.”_

_Alyssa let out a breathless laugh as Emma closed the window. They would find the right one eventually, she knew that they would._

* * *

“You’re not going to have a drink either?” Shelby whined.

Emma shook her head, unable to stop a laugh escaping past her lips at her friend’s complaint. She looked to Alyssa as she replied. “Sober solidarity, sorry.”

Shelby let out a dramatic sigh. “If I would have known that you two were going to be this boring, I would have organised a trip to the library or something equally as lame instead-”

Alyssa bit back a smirk, feigning a sincere look. “You’re completely right, Shelbs. I’m so sorry. It’s completely selfish of me to be pregnant and sober, I should know better.”

“It’s brunch on a Thursday morning, babe,” Kaylee said. “Not a night on the town.”

“ _Bottomless_ brunch,” Shelby implored. “With _bottomless mimosas._ ”

Alyssa nudged her wife gently as she took a sip of her orange juice, and the blonde’s attention flickered back to her again. “If you want to, I don’t mind-”

“Nah.” Emma brought a hand to Alyssa’s knee, her thumb grazing over the fabric of her jeans. “I’m good, honestly. Besides, some of us have plans to finish building furniture tonight and I’d prefer to have a clear head while I’m holding a hammer.”

Alyssa thought back to the day before. In her defense, her heart had been in the right place at the time. She had offered to help Emma finish the crib and had every intention of doing more, but she wound up with only a sore back and tired eyes to show for it. Emma had sent her away for a nap with a kiss and a laugh, and a promise that she could come join her soon.

Shelby’s jaw dropped, an idea coming to her suddenly. Alyssa winced. That usually meant some sort of trouble for her. She had learned that early in their friendship. “You have to let us plan a baby shower for you!"

Alyssa’s eyes widened. She hadn’t thought about something like that. She felt Emma tense slightly beside her. They had decided to keep things quiet for now, so it wasn’t the other couple’s fault. They couldn’t have known that it was a sensitive subject. Even so, they had joked about this sort of thing before - about who would go overboard the most out of their friends at home or their friends in New York. It was the last thing on their mind now though.

Alyssa cleared her throat, playing off the notion as quickly as she could with a half-hearted laugh. “I think it’s a little soon to start worrying about that, Shelbs.”

Kaylee hummed in agreement, much to Alyssa’s relief. “She’s right. I think you’re supposed to wait until she’s ready to pop-”

“She can hear you,” Alyssa grumbled. She prodded her stomach gently. “I already feel like I’m going to pop.”

“Besides,” Emma said suddenly, finally chiming in. “Do you think we’re going to let you two plan anything after what happened with our bachelorette parties-”

“I already apologised!” 

* * *

_Alyssa wasn’t sure how she hadn’t realised her period was late sooner. She had been sitting at her desk just before lunch, scanning over her schedule for the afternoon, as her eyes latched onto a small detail on her calendar. A little red dot on a date a few days beforehand. She had placed it there for a reason, on a specific day each month, but this time it had gone without notice. Usually, she was more on top of things, but things had been beyond busy and-_

_The realisation brought a quick, heavy sense of panic initially. Well, not panic exactly. It was an indescribable emotion. A feeling of potential, of possibility. Of something that she suddenly felt entirely unprepared to deal with._

_Alyssa was worried that she was only going to get her hopes up to be left disappointed in the end._

_She tried to brush it off as best she could, trying not to get herself too worked up before she could even do anything about it. If she stayed neutral then it would be easier to deal with her disappointment - maybe it wouldn’t sting as much, right? And it was far too early for her to even know, surely?_

_Alyssa let out a shuddering breath, a hand coming to rest on her stomach. Maybe they were having their baby._

_A test - that was what she needed._

_She slid open the drawer of her desk. Buying pregnancy tests was never something that she’d had to worry about as a teenager, and certainly not when she was in college. If you don’t date guys then what is there to worry about. But when her and Emma had decided that they were going to do this she had gotten a little over excited and bulk bought a box of them. It made sense to her at the time - they didn’t know how many times they would be going through the whole process._

_A few minutes later she found herself in a cubicle, patiently waiting for the timer of her phone to reach zero and willing nobody to come into the bathroom and interrupt her. Whatever the result was, it was going to be okay. Alyssa kept telling herself that over and over until eventually her cell buzzed and her entire body went cold._

_She took a breath before looking down, her eyes meeting two lines._

_Two lines meant-_

_No, Alyssa brushed it off as her heart rate began to skyrocket. It was still too early surely and she wouldn’t be able to cope with getting her hopes up only for them to crumble down. It could have been a false positive. A fluke._

_Or, she thought as a smile tugged at the corner of her lips, maybe this was it._

* * *

“Do you want to know?” Alyssa asked suddenly.

Emma’s eyes fluttered open. She had been just about dozing off. Her fingers began coming through Alyssa’s curls again as she registered the question. “Want to know what?”

The noise from the television dimmed into the background as Alyssa lowered the volume, tossing the remote control to the other end of the couch. She had been paying much attention to the movie anyway. Emma hadn’t either - her eyes had been keen to close from the moment that they had sat down, the day's activities taking their toll on them both. 

“The sex,” Alyssa continued. The last time that they had spoken about it was months ago. It wasn't that she had changed her mind but she at least wanted to make sure that Emma hadn't changed here. “I was just thinking about what Kaylee and Shelby were saying earlier.”

“I'm still happy to wait.”

“Me too.”

“We could if you want-?” Emma started. 

Alyssa twisted onto her back, looking up to meet the blonde’s gaze. She reached for Emma’s other hand, lacing their fingers together and pulling her arm down from its place by her shoulder to wrap around her chest. “I’m not sure that I do.”

“Okay,” Emma nodded plainly. “It can be a surprise.”

“I just want them to be healthy,” Alyssa mused. “Nothing else really matters to me.”

Emma hummed in agreement. Her hand drifted down to Alyssa’s cheek, her thumb smoothing over the brunette’s skin, before she leaned forward to press a gentle kiss against her forehead. “C’mon baby, let’s go to bed.”

“Just a sec,” Alyssa said softly, stopping Emma from moving. “Your kid is doing somersaults in here.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” she smiled fondly and pulled Emma’s hand over to the right spot. “Can you feel it?”

Emma grinned as she felt the slight movement beneath her palm. Feeling their child at the tips of her own fingers had made things immeasurably easier over the past week or so. It soothed her in a way that she couldn’t find the words to describe. Whenever she couldn’t sleep, her hand would drift down to the bottom of Alyssa’s belly - relishing in the slight flutters she could feel every couple of minutes. It put her to sleep every time. 

It wasn’t much yet but right now, at least, it was everything to her.


	8. 24 weeks

Emma’s heart thumped hard in her chest as a loud bang echoed throughout the apartment. Her eyes shot open, a rush of cold slinking down her spine as her mind jumped to a handful of terrible conclusions. She didn’t have to even look to the mattress beside her to know that Alyssa wasn’t lying there. Emma reached blindly for her glasses, throwing the covers off of herself in one quick motion, and scrambled in the direction of the noise. 

“Shit!”

Emma caught the hushed curse just as she made it into the kitchen.

“Are you okay?” she answered it, squinting as she looked for the brunette - her eyes still adjusting to the lack of light. She didn’t even want to think about how early it was.

Alyssa’s head shot around at the sound of her wife’s voice, the look in her eyes akin to a deer caught in the headlights of a car. She tugged on the end of the spoon in her mouth, pulling it out and swallowing quickly. Her voice came out in a guilty mumble. “Sorry.” She waved the jar in her right hand. “I dropped the peanut butter.”

Emma let out a huff of relief. “I thought something had happened.”

She rubbed the tired haze from her eyes as she padded towards Alyssa, pulling the brunette in as soon as she was close enough to and pressed a gentle kiss against her temple. Emma reached behind Alyssa and pulled open a drawer, grabbing a spoon before dipping it into the open jar that was still in Alyssa’s hand. Alyssa watched her every move, the apologetic look on her face relaxing as a contented sigh escaped past Emma’s lips.

To be fair, it was pretty good peanut butter. 

Alyssa dipped her own spoon back in again. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It’s okay, baby,” Emma replied, stifling a yawn. She took the jar from the brunette and screwed the lid back on again, placing it carefully back up in its place on the shelf. Alyssa struggled to reach up there at the best of times. At least Emma had a few extra inches on her side. “Next time just wake me up and tell me to go and get the peanut butter for you.”

“Okay,” Alyssa chuckled as the blonde reached for her hand and started to tug her back in the direction of the bedroom.

Alyssa slid back into bed first, opening up her arms for her wife - who happily snuggled in close and wrapped her arm protectively over Alyssa’s bulging stomach. Emma didn’t mind the fact that she had been woken up. She just wished in future that her wife would make her do it instead. There were worse things in the world than entertaining a couple of late night cravings.

Emma came to regret that thought a few nights later as Alyssa nudged her away with a pout and a look that Emma couldn’t bring herself to possibly say no to. When she had offered her services to the brunette, she had meant more like tossing something in the microwave for her or getting up for a carton of ice cream at 2am - not braving the cold outside in search of a milkshake and fries. 

Especially when by the time that Emma made it home, supplies in hand, Alyssa was already snoring away gently again.

* * *

_ Their flight to New York had been uneventful for the most part. Travelling during the holidays was never fun though, adding an extra layer of stress to an already hectic trip. The airport was crammed full of people and they’d almost not gotten a seat on the plane at all. The fact that they were flying on New Years’ Eve didn’t help much. It was their only option if they wanted to make it there in time for Barry’s infamous Hogmanay party. Between work and celebrating Christmas back home with Alyssa’s mom, flying on the day was all that they were life with. _

_ It didn’t matter though. As long as they saw everyone tonight, the whole gang, that was the most important thing. They wanted to see them all in person to share their news. _

_ They had told Barry about the baby a week or so earlier when he had come to visit them - giving him a cheeky t-shirt brandishing his new uncle title. Very Hallmark movie chic, as he had so eloquently commented with a contented grin, and made up for him having to come all the way to Indianapolis for the weekend. Emma almost wished that he could have spoiled the surprise for them before now. That being able to tease Dee Dee with it was too tempting and that he would cave in. It would mean that she wouldn’t have to spend all day and night simmering in a ball of nerves while they waited for the right moment. _

_ It was like telling another set of parents. Another family. They had been a guiding force in her life since the very first day that they had met, whether Emma had liked it at the time or not, and they had given her more in that department than she ever could have lost. _

_ “Babe,” Alyssa said suddenly, pulling Emma away from her thoughts. “Can you zip me up? I can’t reach.” _

_ Emma’s head shot up. She had been toying with the ends of her tie for a few minutes, lost in a swarm of worries, but as soon as her eyes met Alyssa’s loving gaze her anxiety faded away into nothing instantly. She smiled and nodded, stepping towards the brunette. Every now and again she had to remind herself that this was all actually real and not just some fever dream that her sixteen year old self had concocted back in Edgewater all those years ago. That she had married the woman of her dreams and that in six months time they would be parents.  _

_ Emma’s sixteen year old self would never believe her now. _

_ “Of course.” _

_ “It’s going to be okay, y’know,” Alyssa murmured, pulling her hair over her shoulder. Emma placed a gentle kiss against the bare skin of her back as she edged the zipped up. Alyssa watched her every move in the mirror in front of them. “They’re going to be happy.” _

_ “I know,” Emma nodded again. It wasn’t that she was worried about. She just couldn’t help it. Alyssa always managed to keep her anxieties to a dull roar though. She smoothed her hands across Alyssa’s shoulders. “You are so beautiful, you know that right?” _

_ “Hmm,” Alyssa hushed her. She turned to face Emma and the blonde’s arms wrapped around her waist. Alyssa reached up to Emma’s tie, fixing it without a second thought. Emma had never been much good at it. But then again, she didn’t have to be as long as the brunette was there. “You look pretty dapper yourself.” _

_ “Why, thank you, Mrs Nolan.” _

_ Emma leaned forward, her lips barely brushing against Alyssa’s. She nudged her nose against Alyssa’s and smiled. Her wife wasn’t as patient though. Her hands slid higher until her fingers found soft waves, scratching the nape of her neck soothingly as she pulled the blonde back in for another kiss. Alyssa knew that Emma had been on edge all week at the prospect of tonight. Even the mention of it was enough to send her spiralling. It was a lot for her to take in, Alyssa could appreciate that. She didn’t have the family at home that she could turn to in moments like this - at least Alyssa had her mom. So anything that she could do to ease her wife’s nerves, Alyssa would do happily. _

_ The brunette broke away first, resting her forehead against Emma’s. “We could always just stay here. I can think of some other things for us to do...” _

_ “Tempting,” Emma sighed, her grip tightening on Alyssa’s waist. _

_ “...in this nice...,” Alyssa continued, punctuating her words with feather light kisses against Emma’s jaw. “...big...” Emma groaned. “...hotel room.” _

_ Emma’s head ducked down, catching Alyssa’s lips again. “I don’t really like parties anyway.” _

_ Alyssa’s head fell back as she laughed. She wiped away a little of her lipstick that had stuck on Emma’s mouth. “But then we would miss seeing everyone-” _

_ “They’ll forgive us.” _

_ “ _ Emma _ ,” Alyssa chastised. _

_ She sighed, nodding dejectedly. “You’re a tease.” _

_ “And you love it.” _

_ “I do,” Emma sighed. She crouched down, pressing a final kiss against Alyssa’s stomach. “And I love you too.” _

* * *

“Babe-” Emma called softly, her knuckles tapping against the bathroom door. “Are you okay in there?”

Emma shifted from one foot to the other. Alyssa had disappeared just after breakfast and time was ticking on. Emma knew that she couldn’t leave for work before she knew that everything was alright with the brunette. These days she always seemed to get worried over the slightest thing, the slightest change in tone, and she knew that it wasn’t warranted but that didn’t make the jittering in her stomach go away. And Alyssa had been in there for a while.

“Just a second,” Alyssa sniffed from the other side of the door. Emma heard the toilet flushing and then the faucet turning on and back off again, before Alyssa finally unlocked the door and pulled it open. Her eyes were red rimmed and her face was still a little wet, no doubt from splashing some cold water on it to settle herself, but she held up a hand instantly to stop Emma from cutting in with her worries. “I’m okay. I promise.”

She slid past Emma, though the blonde was hot on her tail as she walked back towards the bed - reaching for the hoodie that was laying on the end of it.

“What’s going on?” Emma asked cautiously, not wanting to push it too much. She watched as Alyssa pulled it on and slipped back into bed again, avoiding her gaze all the while. “You can tell me anything.”

“It’s nothing,” Alyssa mumbled, pulling the covers up around her. 

Emma frowned, perching on the mattress beside her. She tried again, her tone pleading. “‘Lys-?”

“I...,” Alyssa started but stopped herself short, only offering the blonde a small shrug as she gathered her thoughts. Her gaze drifted away from Emma’s again. It was silly. She knew that she was just being dramatic and the last thing that she wanted to do was throw another problem on her wife’s plate. “I’m just tired.”

Emma brushed away a loose curl from Alyssa’s face. “Maybe a few more hours of sleep before your appointment later will do you good.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Are you sure that’s everything?”

Alyssa bit the inside of her lip. She knew that Emma could see right through her. The blonde could read her like a book. Maybe it was better to just be honest. Her voice was quieter than before. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this for another four months, Em. The nausea and the heartburn and everything being sore all day every day when all I do is nothing all day - because all I’m supposed to do is nothing all day. And some days I’m scared to even more and-”

“Hey,” Emma stopped her. “You can, ‘Lys. You absolutely can. You’re the strongest person that I know.”

She scoffed. “That’s hardly true.”

“It is,” Emma nodded. “Cross my heart.”

Alyssa shrugged again. She could feel her tears bubbling to the surface. “I just don’t feel like myself sometimes and there’s nothing I can do about it.” She brought a hand to her stomach. “And I know that it will all be so worth it in the end. It’s just hard.”

Emma nodded. “I know. Maybe we can ask the doctor about it. There might be something that he can do to help.”

“I feel like a ticking time bomb, Em. Every time that we have another appointment I worry that this is going to be the one where it all goes wrong. Where they tell us even more bad news.”

“They won’t,” Emma assured her. 

“They might.”

Emma shook her head. “I used to worry about the same thing but we’ve made it this far. Everything is going to be okay. I just know it.”

And she believed it. They’d spent hours together pouring over the what if’s and worries, and now Emma was over it. She didn’t have it in her to keep going over all the possibilities. All that she cared about was Alyssa and their baby, and all the mess in between and all the worst things that could happen just didn’t matter to her anymore. She was always going to be worried. There was no taking that away. She wasn’t going to let it ruin them though. 

“And you’re definitely going to come later?”

“Of course I am,” Emma nudged the brunette gently. “I’ll be back just after lunch.”

Alyssa let out a long breath. “Okay.”

“Try and get some more sleep,” Emma smiled softly, leaning down to press a kiss against Alyssa’s forehead. “I’ll be back before you know it.”

* * *

_ Alyssa fell back against the sheets, relishing the feeling of the cool air against her skin. They had certainly worked up a sweat. And that was before she had eaten enough pizza to last her for a week. She watched Emma finish her slice, tracing lines across the blonde’s bare back, and let out a contented sigh. Her stomach was pleasantly full and her heart was satiated, and Alyssa didn’t think that it would ever get much better than this. Her fingertips danced down the length of Emma’s spine to the small of her back, smirking as the blonde shivered.  _

_ Alyssa was looking forward to getting back to the activities that had come before dinner.  _

_ But for right now, it was completely and utterly perfect.  _

_ A thought dawned on her suddenly and her heart rose to her throat. Maybe it was just the right moment of perfect.  _

_ “Hey,” Alyssa started. _

_ Emma hummed in response, turning back to face the brunette with a mouthful of dough and lips smudged red with tomato sauce. “Mhm-yeah?” _

_ Alyssa pushed herself up again, giggling as she wiped at Emma’s mouth with her thumb. She opened her mouth to continue but her nerves betrayed her. “I love you.” _

_ “I love you too,” her girlfriend replied, a smile tugging at the corners of her lips.  _

_ That hadn’t been where Alyssa had wanted to go with this but she didn’t know where to start either. She reached over the side of the bed, fishing for the t-shirt that she had been wearing earlier to cover herself up, and swung her legs round as she pulled it over her head again. Emma’s eyebrows furrowed, watching curiously as the brunette headed over to the dresser on the other side of the room.  _

_ Alyssa paused for a moment after she pulled the top drawer open, glancing back at the blonde. “I have something I wanted to ask you.” _

_ She’d had an elaborate plan set up and ready for the following weekend. A plan that was supposed to do justice to the weight of the decision they were about to make together. A plan that was supposed to do justice to the possibility of spending the rest of their lives together. Alyssa wanted to kick herself now for all the hours of worry that had gone into organising it. It didn’t matter now though. Well, as long as Emma said yes, that was. But looking at her girlfriend now, half naked and disheveled and utterly gorgeous in every way, Alyssa knew in her heart that now was the time to ask Emma Nolan to marry her.  _

_ She could feel it in her bones.  _

_ Besides, they had promised themselves to each other a long time ago. Alyssa was feeling lucky. _

_ “You can have the last slice if you want-” Emma answered.  _

_ Alyssa let out a soft laugh and shook her head. Emma was so impossibly endearing at times that it hurt. It had the power to make her heart swell and her chest ache all at the same time, and the brunette had never felt more in love in her life. She dipped her hand into the drawer, reaching all the way to the very back - to the spot that she had been praying would be left untouched by the other woman - until her fingertips reached a solid block.  _

_ She pulled out the box, keeping it cupped in her hand and hidden from view for now, and turned back to Emma again. _

_ “Emma Nolan,” Alyssa started. She could already feel a lump growing in her throat as she searched for the words. She had been planning out what she was going to say for weeks but it all seemed to slip from mind as the moment finally came. Emma’s frowned only intensified, adorably confused by the situation and still unsure of what was happening. And then her expression relaxed. It all seemed to fall into place. “I have been in love with you from the moment that I knew what love really was. You are the only person that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I adore you with all of my heart, and I want a lifetime with you. I love you, Em. Will you marry me?” _

_ And then there was silence.  _

_ “Alyssa, I...” _

_ Alyssa's stomach dropped. Emma wasn’t saying yes. Why wasn’t she saying yes? Her mouth fell open, she wasn’t sure what else she was supposed to say. Had she somehow misread this all? She watched as Emma turned away from her, her hands dropping back down to her side again as she closed over the ring box that she had opened during her speech.  _

_ Alyssa’s gaze dropped to the floor. This wasn’t how she had imagined things going. She heard the faint sound of Emma rustling around by the side of the bed but she couldn’t bring herself to look up. She felt like she was going to be sick.  _

_ “‘Lyssa?” Emma said suddenly. _

_ Alyssa looked up, her hand instinctively coming up to cover her mouth in shock as her eyes latched onto a small object in the blonde’s hand. She felt tears springing to her eyes.  _

_ “Oh,” she just about managed. “I thought...” _

_ Emma’s grin grew impossibly wider. “I was just about to ask you the same thing. I was just stalling with the pizza.” _

* * *

Emma pushed open the front door, slipping the key back into her pocket again and letting Alyssa into the apartment ahead of her. The brunette had only said a handful of words to her in all the time that they had been together that afternoon, the lingering sadness of her admissions that morning still prevalent. Everything with the doctor had gone fine though - at least there was that. Emma hoped that it would help dispel some of Alyssa’s fears before the next time that they had to go back. The scan looked good and her blood pressure was fine, and everything else that the doctor had checked for had seemed alright too. Emma had every faith that things were going to be okay but she couldn’t help but still feel a little relieved that they were. 

Alyssa had even been given the go ahead to get out a little more. Considering the furthest that they had been from home together beforehand was a few blocks away for brunch, Emma had thought that the brunette would be jumping for joy at the prospect - especially after their earlier conversation - but her wife was more subdued than ever. 

They had seen their baby though. That, at least, got more of a reaction out of Alyssa. Last time they hadn’t been able to see its arms and legs properly but now they were all there and more. There was something a little bittersweet about it but Emma didn’t care, her chest grew fuzzier every time that she looked at their copy of the scan. The whole ride home she had been sneaking glances at it. Alyssa had refused to put it away, a small smile on her face as she studied every inch of the photo. Emma had managed to weasel it out of her grasp though - making a beeline for the fridge to pin it up next to the last one after helping to pull Alyssa’s coat off.

“How are you feeling?” Emma asked, turning back just as Alyssa sat down on the couch. 

“Good,” she nodded. 

Emma was still cautious though. It was the furthest they had been from home together in a few weeks. “What about your back?”

“Still sore,” Alyssa sighed. “But better than before.”

“Good,” Emma repeated with a nod. “And your-”

Alyssa offered her a small smile. “I’m fine, babe, honestly. Better.”

Emma knew she meant more than just her back. It was tricky on days like today. It wasn’t a  _ bad  _ day. God only knew that they’d had plenty of those recently to know the difference. And Emma knew that she had to cut Alyssa more slack when she was feeling down - the brunette had given her more. She just wished that she could do more to help.

“Are you sure? I could make something to eat?”

“Maybe in a little bit.” Alyssa patted the space next to her, beckoning the blonde over to sit next to her instead of hovering. The moment that she did, Alyssa slid down the couch until she could rest her head on Emma’s lap. “We should invite Kaylee and Shelby over at the weekend. Double date night or something. I miss them.”

“We were out with them the other week,” Emma chuckled. “I thought you’d have had enough of them for a little while at least."

Alyssa let out a small sigh as Emma’s fingers began coming through her hair. “I just miss seeing people that aren’t-”

“Me?” Emma smirked.

Alyssa nudged her and corrected herself. “People from the office on a video call. Maybe I could start going back in? Part time at least?”

Emma hummed. She wasn’t so sure about that. The last thing she wanted was for the brunette to overdo it. She knew that it was just her being selfish. She would wrap Alyssa in bubble wrap if she could. “I don’t know, babe.”

Alyssa shrugged. “It was just an idea.”

Emma nodded. An idea. If she could find a good one of those herself maybe that would help. 

And then it hit her. 

“Are you sure you’re not hungry?”

An unmistakable growl sounded from Alyssa’s stomach and the brunette let out a laugh, sitting up again. “Yeah, maybe a little. Why don’t we order in? Pizza?”

It was music to Emma’s ears. It was as though her wife had been reading her mind. 

“Sure,” she replied. It wasn’t the first time that she had stalled with pizza. “Why don’t you order and I’ll give Shelby a call.”

Alyssa frowned. “You don’t need to call her right now, baby. It was just an idea.”

Emma cut in. Maybe a little too quickly. “No!...I mean, I have a marketing thing from work that I want to run by her anyway so I might as well.”

“Okay,” she chuckled. “I’m going to go wash up.”

Emma pushed herself up first, helping Alyssa up and ignoring the inquisitive look that was being shot her way in the process. Emma had never been the best at sneaking around for stuff like this but she knew that it would be worth it if she could get away with it. She waited until she heard the sound of the bathroom door closing behind her before picking up her phone.

She waited impatiently for Shelby to pick up on the other end, watching the other side of the apartment for any sign of Alyssa. Eventually though she heard a familiar voice. “Hey! I know we still have a little while to go but how would you feel about organising that baby shower you mentioned?” She smiled as Shelby began to ramble excitedly, cutting her off after a few seconds. “One thing though - it has to be a surprise for Alyssa.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning, there's mention of blood and hospitals in a flashback AND a little flash forward.

_ Emma took another long shuddering breath in. And let it out. And back in again. Every time that she tried to settle herself down, the tears always came flooding back to her. A wave of pain and exhaustion that she couldn’t manage to quell. She just wanted Alyssa. It was easier when she was with the brunette. At least then she could hold herself together - she had someone to stay strong for then - but the doctors had taken her away for some tests, and she’d had to leave the room, and it was all too much all over again. _

_ She dipped her hands beneath the faucet, willing the hot water that came streaming out to comfort and calm her shaking hands somehow but it didn’t do much. Emma sniffed again as her eyes rose back up, meeting themselves in the mirror in front of her. She didn’t look like herself. Eyes red rimmed and cheeks tears stained. The last time that she’d looked like this was the night that she’d turned up to the gym hall and there had been no prom there to meet her. That felt like a million years ago now. _

_ There was a little blood staining the corner of her sweater. She’d practically had to lift Alyssa to and from the car, the brunette in too much pain to string together a sentence by the time that they were leaving the apartment. _

_ Emma reached for the phone in her back pocket. It was the reason that she had come to the bathroom in the first place. Some privacy from the hustle and bustle of the halls outside. _

_ 5:28am. _

_ Knowing Alyssa’s mom, there was a chance that she would be up at this time already. Alyssa had always been an early riser too but the longer that they were together the more she had let the habit slip up, always more content to be in bed for a few hours longer instead. _

_ “Emma?” the older woman answered. “Are you okay? What time is it-?” _

_ Emma swallowed harshly. “I, um, I don’t want you to panic. Everything is okay-” _

_ That was a lie. _

_ “What’s happened? Is it Alyssa?” _

_ She grimaced, hearing the panic rising in her voice. “We’re at the hospital now. Alyssa woke up and...” Emma felt her chest tightening as she thought back to a few hours ago. “She’s with the doctor now. I think that they’re going to let us go home soon. They just wanted to run a few more tests to be safe.” _

_ “I don’t understand. Is it the baby?” _

_ Emma nodded, forgetting for a moment that she couldn’t actually be seen. “Alyssa was in a lot of pain and there was some bleeding. They did a scan and everything looked okay but they’re keeping her here for now.” _

_ Emma heard a rustle on the other end of the line. “Where are you? I’m coming to meet you.” _

_ “No,” Emma shook her head. She wanted her to be there, she wanted someone there to take some of the emotional strain that she was carrying on her shoulders all by herself, but she knew that the fuss would be the last thing that her wife would want. They were both exhausted. “Honestly. I’ll get Alyssa to call you as soon as I can. We just want to go home.” _

_ Veronica hesitated. “If anything changes at all, you call me right away.” _

_ “I will.” _

_ “Give my love to Alyssa,” she sighed. “And look after yourself, Emma. You two are strong. It’s going to be alright.” _

* * *

Alyssa let out a soft sigh, rubbing a hand over her belly contentedly. That was one bonus, at least, of getting bigger and bigger with every week that passed her by - she didn’t have to feel bad about how much she’d eaten, or how she looked afterwards, because she couldn’t see it anyway. 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to eat for a week,” she chuckled.

Emma squeezed her shoulder gently, pushing her chair back and reaching for the brunette’s plate. “Done?”

Alyssa nodded, giving her wife a small smile.

“I’ll give you a hand in with those,” Shelby said, following Emma’s lead and reaching for Kaylee’s empty plate too.

“Thanks, babe,” her girlfriend said.

Alyssa’s eyes narrowed as she watched the pair walk towards the kitchen again, gazes fixed on the floor and voices down to a hushed mumble. Kaylee didn’t seem to notice anything out of the ordinary though, which only added to Alyssa’s suspicion. It wasn’t like either of them to be so quick to do the cleaning up. She just knew that they were up to something.

“Kayls,” Alyssa started. “What’s going on between them?”

“Huh?” the other woman asked, shaking her head and overcompensating with a shrug on top of that. She had never been much good at keeping secrets - but she knew that this was important. Kaylee wasn’t about to give this one up easily. She feigned confusion. “What do you mean?”

“They seem a little...,” Alyssa hummed. Kaylee bit her lip. “I don’t know-”

“What? With the dishes?” Kaylee interjected with a chuckle. “Yeah, that is a little strange. But no. No idea.”

Alyssa let it go, peering through the door to the kitchen in case she could catch a glimpse of anything. Something seemed off. Kaylee watched her nervously as she pushed herself up to her feet, following in the direction that her wife had gone a few minutes earlier. 

“Hey, baby,” Alyssa called as she walked into the kitchen. “What’s taking you guys so long in there? You’re not planning a coup or something are you?”

“Uh...” Emma froze, trying to hide the guilty look on her face as the brunette came closer. She brushed it off with a chuckle. “That’s not a bad idea, actually.”

She prayed that Alyssa hadn’t heard anything - even though they had been whispering from the moment that they left the table together. Emma had been trying her best to only call Shelby when she knew that Alyssa was definitely asleep, or when she was in between home and work, and she hadn’t even wanted to discuss the baby shower tonight at all but Shelby couldn’t keep a lid on it.

“Are you okay?” Alyssa frowned. “You seem a bit off, baby.”

“I’m fine. I, um,” Emma stuttered.

“Okay,” Shelby huffed, feigning defeat. “You got us.”

“What?” Emma asked, her eyes growing wide.

“I got what?” Alyssa’s eyebrows furrowed deeper.

Shelby’s voice lowered to a whisper again. “We’re planning a surprise birthday party for Kaylee but you can’t say anything, alright?”

Emma let out a sigh of relief.

Alyssa looked between the pair incredulously. “You do know that your girlfriend’s birthday isn’t for another four months right? You’re acting like you’re about to stage a heist tomorrow.”

She shrugged. “It’s a big birthday. Lots of planning.”

“And you asked Emma to help you with it over me?”

Even Emma had to admit that Alyssa had a fair point there. It wasn’t that she wouldn’t want to help with stuff like this, and she was good at it when she put her mind to it, but Alyssa was about as type-A as they could get.

“Well...”

Shelby brushed it off like a pro. “I’ve just been bouncing ideas off of her. I was going to rope you on board, obviously, I just didn’t want to put too much on your plate right now.”

Emma gave a nervous laugh. “Do you want another beer, Shelbs?”

“Sure.”

“You guys go get comfy,” Emma replied quickly. “I’ll bring it in.”

Alyssa smiled as Shelby slipped out of the room, before turning back to the blonde again. “Are you sure you’re okay? You seem a little jittery.”

Emma nodded sincerely, leaning down to place a soft kiss against Alyssa’s lips. That was always enough to help calm her down. She smiled as she pulled back. “Absolutely.”

* * *

“We wanted to tell you guys something,” Emma started, clearing her throat. “Well, I guess it’s more that we have to be honest with you both.”

Alyssa reached across, lacing her fingers through the blonde’s. She was grateful that Emma was taking the lead on this one. She wasn’t sure that she had the strength to tell her best friends about this. Even though she had come to terms with it, it was hard to put it all into words. It wasn’t something that she was ever going to be good at.

“What is it?” Shelby asked, taking another drink from her bottle. She feigned shock. “You’re not knocked up are you?”

“Shelbs,” Kaylee shook her head. “I don’t think this is a fun conversation.”

Emma squeezed Alyssa’s hand, giving her a reassuring smile. “Not really. You know that Alyssa hasn’t really been well for the past couple of months?”

“What is it?” Kaylee cut in quickly, a little panic rising in her voice. 

Alyssa opened her mouth to try and speak but nothing came out. Her throat was dry and her heart was pounding in her chest. 

Emma nodded. “Alyssa has a condition...”

Alyssa could hear the words flowing from the blonde’s lips but her mind wasn’t helping her much to process them. She had heard it all time and time again though, and thought of it herself on more occasions than one, but this time she had to tune it out. Instead she focused her gaze on the couple ahead of her. She watched as Shelby’s eyes filled up, reaching for Kaylee’s hand as she asked question after question. Alyssa managed to answer a few of them herself, without thought. Kaylee’s gaze turned steely though - her eyes flickering back and forth from Emma to Alyssa as she took in the information.

Her eyes latched onto Alyssa’s again, but this time they stayed there. It took all of Alyssa’s willpower not to crumble under the look that Shelby was giving her. A look that said they were all going to be strong. A look that told her they were going to get through it.

“I’m sorry, ‘Lys,” Kaylee said, her words cutting through the haze that Alyssa’s brain had formed around her.

“It’s okay,” Alyssa replied with a small smile. She felt Emma’s hand drift around to her back, rubbing soothing circles as she spoke. “It was scary at first but everything is going alright, and the doctors are happy for now.”

“Yeah,” Emma agreed. “We know that you know Alyssa is taking it easy for the next few months. We just thought that you deserved to know the whole truth.”

Alyssa nodded. “Because-”

“Because?” Shelby asked.

“We wanted to ask,” Alyssa started. “Well, we were hoping that you would agree to be the baby’s godparents?”

“ _ Oh.”  _ The soft whisper escaped past Kaylee’s lips, a smile exploding across her face.

“Is that a yes?” Emma asked with a nervous laugh.

Shelby looked to Kaylee, nodding sharply as her own smile grew. “Of course it is. Obviously we will.”

“Good,” Alyssa let out a sigh of relief. “We’re going to ask Barry and Angie too. I know that traditionally it’s supposed to be two of each, but we can’t think of anyone better than you four.”

* * *

_ “I hope you’re hungry,” Emma grinned as Alyssa trailed sleepily to the table, rubbing her eyes with a quiet yawn. _

_ Alyssa nodded. “Mhmmm.” _

_ “I figured I’d make breakfast,” Emma said, slipping back into the kitchen to turn off the stove. She popped a few slices of bread out of the toast, tossing them onto the plates in front of her, before bringing the pan off of the heat and scooping some scrambled eggs on top for them both. “It’s not often that I’m up before you.” _

_ “Thanks baby,” Alyssa murmured. Emma brought the plates to the table, placing one down in front of the brunette and suppressing a chuckle at how bleary eyed she was. She pressed a kiss against Alyssa’s temple before sitting down across from her. “Love you.” _

_ “Love you too,” she replied, watching as Alyssa speared a fork into her breakfast, taking a bite and humming contentedly at just how good it tastes. Emma couldn’t stop her smile that time though - her wife’s sleepy expression and tousled hair. It wasn’t often that she saw the sight and there was no denying how cute it was. “Is it good?” _

_ “So good,” Alyssa nodded. _

_ Emma dug into her own. She was right, it was pretty good. Her eyes drifted back up after a few moments of silence. Alyssa’s face was unmistakably paler than before, her forehead creased as though she were trying to figure something out. _

_ “You okay, ‘Lys?” _

_ “Yeah,” she nodded, though didn’t seem to sure herself, but pushed her chair back sharply. “I have to-” _

_ Emma grimaced as she watched the brunette run into the bathroom, following closely behind her to make sure that she was alright. Alyssa was hunched over the toilet by the time that she made it there, throwing up whatever she had left in her stomach. Emma bit her lip. Alyssa had barely been able to keep anything down the past couple of mornings. She had been hoping that today would be the day that broke the cycle. _

_ “It’s okay, love,” Emma cooed, sliding down to sit against the bathtub. She rubbed her hand soothingly across Alyssa’s back. “I’ve got you.” _

_ “I-,” Alyssa tried. She heaved again, waiting for a pause before taking a couple of deep breaths to shake it off. She leaned back cautiously - resting her head against the cool toilet bowl. “This sucks.” _

_ “I know,” Emma sighed.  _

_ She rubbed her stomach. “What’s the return policy on this thing? I think your kid is trying to kill me.” _

_ “I hope it’s good,” Emma laughed. “Because Peanut wasn’t cheap.” _

_ “Don’t remind me,” Alyssa murmured. “Sorry about your cooking. I promise it was good.” _

_ Emma shrugged. “It’s okay.” She pulled Alyssa close to her, nuzzling into her curls and placing kisses against her head. “You’re so strong, ‘Lyssa. This part will be over before you know it.” _

* * *

“How are things going with the church?” Alyssa asked. 

Since Alyssa had left school, Veronica had started to drift further away from the PTA. Alyssa figured that she wanted to distance herself from some of the memories there too. It was good though, she thought, that at least she was focusing her energy on somewhere else.

Her mother stopped kneading the dough for a moment. Alyssa picked up on it instantly. “They’re fine...you know how it is. Bake sales upon bake sales. We have a new minister training with us actually.”

“Mom?” Alyssa probed. She could feel her mom avoiding something. “What’s wrong?”

She stopped again, rubbing her hands together to wipe away some of the flour that lingered. Even after all they had gone through in years gone by, Veronica always wanted to be honest with her daughter. Especially now. “It’s nothing, really. I’ve just had a couple of issues with some women saying some unsavoury things is all.”

“Unsavoury like how?” Alyssa asked, the word feeling uncomfortable and awful grown-up in her mouth.

She shrugged. “The congregation has been praying for you and the baby. I hadn’t meant for them to, honestly, but Nancy at book club caught on, and then she let slip to Janet. It’s been really quite lovely, I wish that you were there to see it.”

“Then what’s wrong?”

“Some of them weren’t so happy. They think that it’s inappropriate...”

Alyssa let her mother’s sentence trail off. She had known enough of the women that her mom used to associate with to know their beliefs, and she could string the rest of the situation together without help. It wasn’t that they thought praying for her family was inappropriate. It was that they thought that her family wasn’t worth praying about at all. 

“I’m really sorry, mom.”

The older woman waved a hand. “What do you have to be sorry about? It’s fine. I don’t need prayers from people like that. And besides, everyone else has been wonderful. I have a few cards actually, I forgot to bring them on my way out. Next time I-”

Alyssa sighed, not paying much attention to the ramble that her mom had started on to steer away from the conversation. She put down the loaf tin that she had been holding and wrapped her arms around her mom. “You shouldn’t have to deal with things like that.”

“I just worry about you so much, Alyssa. You and the baby, and Emma too for that matter. Is she sleeping? You both look exhausted.”

“We’re okay,” Alyssa nodded. “Here.” She reached for her mom’s hand, placing against her belly as she started to feel some movement. Veronica’s eyes lit up as she felt a light kick beneath her palm. “You feel that?”

“I do,” she chuckled.

“I’m starting to think that I have a Rockette in the making in there or something, and it’s only going to get harder.”

Her mom’s smile grew. She brought her hand to Alyssa’s cheeks, holding her gaze. “I just wish that I could make all of this better. All I ever wanted was for you not to have a hard life.”

“I’m happy. That’s all that matters.”

The click of the front door opening sounded throughout the apartment, the familiar shuffle of Emma’s feet as she kicked off her shoes next. Veronica patted Alyssa’s cheek gentle, giving her a sincere look before turning back to the dough.

“It’s just me!”

“Hi, ‘me’,” Alyssa chuckled.

“It smells incredible in here,” Emma groaned, her eyes lighting up at the sight of the kitchen - floor and eggs and mixing bowls galore.

“There are some cookies in the oven,” Mrs Greene motioned behind her. “And we’re just finishing up with some bread.”

Emma hummed in delight as she leaned over to kiss Alyssa’s cheek. She murmured just loud enough for her wife to hear. “You smell amazing too.”

“Well. I’m sure Alyssa has it from here, I really should get going. I have an open house this afternoon.”

“You’re not staying longer, mom?” Alyssa frowned. “How about some lunch?”

“No, no, I’ll leave you kids to it,” she replied. “The cookies should be ready to come out in about five minutes, and you know what to do with the bread.”

Emma looked to Alyssa, concerned. She could feel that something was off but Alyssa only shook her head - a look that told Emma that everything was fine but that they would have to talk about it later.

* * *

_ Emma’s hands shook as she held it to her ear. _

_ “Hey, kiddo. What’s up?” Barry’s cheerful voice sounded from the other end of the line. _

_ “B-Barry,” Emma stuttered. It was all that she could manage as another sob wracked throughout her body. _

_ “Calm down. Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay,” he said, his tone turning serious in an instant. “Emma? Are you okay?” _

_ She nodded, trying to catch her breath. “Alyssa had the baby.” _

_ “She did?” Barry gasped. “But it’s still so early? Why didn’t you just say so-” _

_ “Barry,” Emma cut him off. He knew in that moment, his excitement flatlining. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if she’s going to make it.” _

_ “What happened?” _

_ “The doctor took her away,” she cried. “And there was so much blood.” _

_ “I’m coming to get you, Emma,” he replied firmly. “It’s going to be okay.” _

* * *

“Can I ask you something?”

“Anything.”

“Do you want to stay in the city forever?”

“I don’t know. In this apartment?” Emma asked. Alyssa shrugged. “For a little while at least. I’d like to get some use out of the nursery that I just painstakingly built from scratch.”

“Hey!” Alyssa laughed. “I helped...a little?”

“You did,” Emma smiled. “I would go anywhere with you, Alyssa. Wherever you want to go, I’m there.”

It made Alyssa’s heart ache, how endearing Emma could be sometimes. “Would you go back home?”

“To Edgewater?"   


Alyssa nodded. “Yeah.”

Emma thought for a moment, turning in bed to look at the brunette. “It would be a little strange. I wanted to get out of that place as soon as I could but so much has changed since we were kids. And your mom is still there too. So, yeah. I think so.”

“It’s not changed that much,” Alyssa replied sombrely. “My mom mentioned some comments that she’d gotten at church. It was pretty shitty.”

“Who?” Emma frowned, her jaw setting firmly. It was cute, Alyssa thought, how defensive the blonde could be. “What did they say?”

“It doesn’t matter-”

“What did they say?”

“I guess they’ve been praying for us,” Alyssa shrugged. “Which is fine. It’s really nice actually. But some people have been assholes about it. She wouldn’t go into details but from what I gathered it seems along the lines of ‘your sinning daughter and her lesbian wife are going to hell why should we pray for their bastard baby?’.”

“Hey,” Emma huffed gently, her hand finding Alyssa’s stomach. “Is your mom alright?”

“I think so,” she nodded. “She still has a good enough support network. They outweigh the bad. I think she wants us to go home eventually.”

“She does?”

“I’d love to go back and get a house,” Alyssa smiled. “Have a backyard.”

“But?”

“The thought of people like that still being there makes it more difficult.”

Emma sighed. She slid her hand round to Alyssa’s back, pulling the brunette closer. “There are always going to be people like that wherever you go. We can deal with them. Besides, I’ll be too busy in that huge backyard that you mentioned to care what they think.”

“Huge?” Alyssa laughed.

“Massive,” Emma nodded. She gave Alyssa a soft kiss. “With a dog and everything.”

“Well, suddenly I’m convinced.”


End file.
